A LAGNIAPPE

... a little something extra thrown in

Gabby Abby

Gabby Abby
Location
Florida, USA
Birthday
December 31
Bio
I've had most of the jobs ~ daughter, student, wife, parent, employee, business owner and now once again, job seeker ~ but I'm still looking forward to lottery winner, retiree and regular blogger. Email welcome at gabbyabby.jax@gmail.com

MY RECENT POSTS

Gabby Abby's Links

WRITING SENSE
MADE ME LAUGH
BEST READS
COOKS IN THE KITCHEN
HOW TO DO OS
GENERAL GREAT STUFF
APRIL 18, 2011 12:18PM

I Probably Will Never Post This

Rate: 50 Flag

I came across this written by a fellow member who will forever remain anonymous and posted it myself because I thought it was funny, clever, and it made me laugh...

∞∞∞∞

I probably will never post this:

OS to English Translation Guide

There are so many new people joining Open Salon every day and they may have trouble figuring out all of the OS terminology. I post this translation guide to assist the newbies who are trying to feel at home in the blogosphere.

“Rated.” When used as an entire comment: “Your post sucked, but I don’t have the heart to tell you.”

“R.” When used as an entire comment: “Wow, your post REALLY sucked.”

“Rated with hugs.” Your post sucked, but at least Linda Seccaspina likes you.

“Ed I Tor” Whimsical name for Emily, the editor of OS. Correct way to curry favor with Emily: send her flowers. Incorrect way to curry favor with Emily: refer to her as “The Bride of Tinkenstein.”

“EDITOR’S PICK” (EP) A label arbitrarily given to posts that nobody wants to read, as opposed to Tinkpicks or Zumapicks, which are given to posts that people actually read and enjoy.

“Cross-posting.” When your post is considered salacious enough to be exposed to the trolls who comment on Big Salon. Not as much fun as pounding your head against the wall for four hours, but the pay is the same.

“Meta post” A transparent attempt to dominate the “Top Rated” feed.

“Technical support” n/a

“Avatar” Icon in the upper left-hand corner of your page. Usually a photo of the author, unless he or she is wanted by the police.

“Blogiversary” “I’ve been here for a full year. NOW will you read me?”

“Flame wars / dust-ups” Wherever some combination of Fett, Emma, Trig and Nanatehay show up on the same blog.

“Alter egos” 1) “I’m too prolific for one blog.” 2) A sneaky, unethical way to increase one’s ratings (allegedly). 3) “Whose character can I assassinate anonymously?”

“Blogwhoring” The announcement of your latest post by sending a mass PM that is immediately deleted by all of its recipients. Alternate definition: the only way to get readers.

“If you don’t wish to receive my blogwhoring PMs, just tell me and I will delete you from my list and not take offense.” Yeah, right.

“Maestro” God’s gift to literature; God’s gift to women; man’s man. Alternate definition: arrogant, self-righteous scribbler whose talent is much smaller than his ego, though probably not smaller than his genitals, who flounces whenever the moon reaches a new phase and can’t get a novel published because publishing houses can’t handle his “unique talent.”

“Potroast” See maestro.

“I’m a real writer.” “I’ve actually gotten paid to put pen to paper and I still get lower ratings than you illiterate, snot-nosed punks?”

“I don’t write here anymore.” “I only come here to complain about how much the writing sucks, and I’d rather do that than spend time at the mythical website where the writing is of the highest quality.”

“Tippem.” An April Fool’s joke gone awry. Like the “I’m under 18” button on a porn site, nobody has ever clicked on it.

“Blog ads” A way to make money off your own blog page. Reportedly, one OSer was able to buy a candy bar once, but that may be urban legend.

“Paid writing gig” Definitely an urban legend.

“Spambots” Spam creators who slip the OS editors a Mickey on the weekends so they can control the OS feed and have their own office party in OS headquarters. Note: do not use the OS Xerox machines on Monday mornings until they have been thoroughly disinfected.

“Flounce” “I hate this place and I’m leaving, but before I do, I just want to say, ‘Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!’ See you tomorrow, guys!”

Author tags:

anonymous

Your tags:

TIP:

Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:

Comments

Type your comment below:
Oh come on! it's funny. And true. And I will be off here for a few days, so won't be around to get metaphorically killed.

Laugh a little, it's good for you.
This was awesome and hilarious, though I was thrown by your use of the word Xerox... it's soooo, hmm, retro, and combined with Spambots could muster up new steampunk images of Antique Copying Machines battling the Electronic Viruses.

I got a Grand Zuma once, and a Tink Picked. I think no one commented after that. After all, what better thing is there to say?
If you meant by chance "Moi!" when you referred to "Maestro" consider this .....
My talent may be less than my ego or genitalia, but then both of the latter are incredibly huge!
And when haven't you been off somewhere for a few days?
Excellent dictionary!
What's this, a drive-by dustup? It pisses me off BIG TIME, but I don't know who to blame, the author or the poster who thinks it's funny.
@OB, blame the use of the antiquated 'Xerox' on the original writer. I can't (won't) take credit for any of this except the laughing part as that was my only contribution.
::snerk hoooot um cough cough::

:)
Oh, it is funny. And I can do with some humor now. There's just too much drama lately - or so it seems.

♥R
If you doubt the truth of that last line, go view Cracky Cuss's 4/17 post flounce post. The guy's a sure fire addict.
I know who did this because I got a copy of it and laughed my ass off.
Good on you for doing this.
Rated with hugs and she does not care who smiles about this because she really does love you hahah
"Potroast"
That just sums it up for me.

@Orioki - loves me some steampunk.
Thank you for this edifying post. I typed $100.00 in the box and clicked the tip button, but nothing happened, so no candy for you.
Oh, the writer of this must be a genius!
Hey, my talent IS smaller than my genitals! Wait, what?
LMAO. This was hilarious and you were right on the money throughout. Thanks for the Monday morning giggle.
I soooooooooooooo needed this. I'd rate it buy I have to go gather some hugs and that's not going to happen until I get back from a so called flounce that was really an out of body experience.
This is really funny - and helpful, as I navigate the unknowable and intimidating waters of OS.
What about sock puppets, i.e., blogs created for the sole purpose of defending yourself from attack by an apparent independent voice.
But I love getting a rated with hugs from Linda Seccaspina!
Abby, I hope you're not really leaving, I'll miss you! Really, not everyone and everything here sucks. Do stick around, and keep laughing!
"buy" = 'But" or Butt....or buttski.
Whoever wrote this has been around long enough to have learned the ropes, but not long enough to shake the OS jones. 12-steps! 12-steps! 12-steps!

Lezlie
Thanks. I needed that.
@Con and anyone else - feel free to add your perceptions and perspectives. It's always a party here ~ I'm known far and wide for hospitality and munificent host-al qualities.

@Capt. America - I'm also know for my genteel ways, and my ability to hoist a perfumed kerchief to my nose to waft away the vapours. Would you like to borrow my kerchief?
@Felicia - apologies if my comment about being off for a few days is misleading b/c I'm not going anywhere, evah. Until I do, of course. I'll be like the mist, just fading away with the sunrise. Yep, that's me. But momentary lack of interest or time should never be construed with leave taking. Besides, the flouncy skirt doesn't fit me since Graham stretched it all out.
You're right it is funny and true. Nice "drop and run" technique too!
Why not give the credit if you enjoyed it so much?

I enjoy it too. A whole language has gradually been developed. I've especially appreciated the "fuck you, I'm outa here genre," which then leads to a pile of readers and the aforementioned never leaves.

There is something I now call "My OS," which is what I want to see the site become, which is the basis for my ratings and comments and moves "it" in the direction I think "it" should go. Fuck the complaints. I haven't got time for the bickering even if occasionally I can't help myself from descending into the suck hole.

Rated, and commented upon. (The ones I hate go on and on about a post, then say they "forgot" when you confront them about not rating. It's misguided competition. Sure.....)
@BenSen, why in all that is OS would you ever confront anyone about whether they rated you or not?

That was the topic of one of my highest rated posts not too far back... just sayin, in case you're interested in the responses.
RATED!!!! LOL..and I have never..*sniff*..*whine*..*complain** gotten either a Zumapick or a Tinkpick. But I am hoping for one or both on my blogoversary. Damn, I wish this had been posted when I started on here!
funny is as funny does!
I wonder if I'm rich via Tippem. I never check the account. Wouldn't that be super cool if I had $10,565 in it and didn't even know?

Flounce is a fun word...I like that one!

Going to check Tippem now.
This is great! Thanks for sharing it with us.
Rated (for real!)
U mean u haven't? Don't tell me u haven't been tempted. It's all we get here for the most part.

Yes, I've confronted commenters on occasion if they seem to clearly appreciate a post of mine, portend frindship, say so, but then go away. That's what I do in life--why not here?

Once I even suggested if someone liked a post as much as they said they may have wanted to send me a buck--as an experiment if nothing else--to appease their conscience. I never heard from them again. My bad or my courage?

I'm suspicious of the comments that only kiss ass and don't add anything to the conversation. In time, you find out who the phonies are, or a check of a blog helps you know. It's one of the reasons I find the media interesting.

This could be the reason I'm rarely if ever included in other bloggers reviews. I actually seem to do better with the editors--even if one of them ignored me completely for over a year.

I say what I think, (this is the thrill) and while I'm careful not to incite or insult, I'll let somebody know when I think they're full of shit and take my lumps. The truth sometimes matters more than the relationship if it's a critical issue. More and more, I'm learning to spot the nut jobs stay away from them.

If you really want to know me and see what I can do look at my blog. I'm proud of it.
I sometimes blogwhore my post
This was so great and so funny! I've been on OS since October - and was often perplexed by the common language and other little things that were going on...now I get a few things that had puzzled me. But all around...just a terrific, entertaining read.
i completely lost it at greenheron's comment about tipping you $100 and then nothing happened. bwwwwaaaahaaaahaaaahaha. nothin' ever funnier than that.
Funny and clever, and oops, true????!!!!
Oh, this is too close cutting for the likes of us! This is worthy of a coffee spit and a chortle.

But I take gross offense at this crap:

"“I’m a real writer.” “I’ve actually gotten paid to put pen to paper and I still get lower ratings than you illiterate, snot-nosed punks?”"

You insulted me as a real writer AND as a snot-nosed punk! You will never be forgiven, whoever you are.

And "Xerox"???? That anonymous joker is old.

I award you the first ever

Golden Cynical Sknorxx.
This looks familiar and I think I've read it before, I know damn well I wish I had written it....very funny stuff.
@ Torman - if you've read it before, it would have been this week and you would have received it privately from the author.... however, I think Author might wish to come forward to take credit b/c as we know, authors are vain that way (even if I did get permission to publish) ::grin::
@ dear friend Xenon-Zuma, I'd bow my head for a Sknorxx. (it's not slimy is it?)

@Ben - DEFINITELY NOT

@trig - where are you my son? don't tell me he ran off to get hitched.
That's was good. I think I'm about three of those....two for sure.
Maestro is my favorite.
LOL. Tell the author we enjoyed his/her work. RRR
I think it's Cranky Cuss. Readin' between the lines (or coloring outside of them).
My ears are ringing. Someone must have mentioned my name.
Hells Bells!! Cracky heard you way up there in New Yawk!!!
Rated! With a European-style two-cheek kiss and effusive, incomprehensible utterings that signify my esteem and affection without putting anything in writing.
very very funny...more truth than not woven amongst the lines that made me laugh! thanks!!!!! RATED...
"Commenting": OS quid pro quo.
Funny post.
Thanks for that addition Blu - I owe you a quid.
Ironic if Cranky wrote this, considering the last line!
I think this should be manditory reading along with the sign up page. R
I do see some truth to the points made.....just a little! How funny this was and how creative its author.
Too funny and I have been guilty of the blogwhoring.

But I think we should add "blogfly" as someone who bothers to write a long comment, but doesn't rate!!!
rated
Yes it is funny. Now would you like to be taken off my pm list? :)
I think it would be prudent to incorporate this in the "What Is Open Salon" section on the home page under "For more detailed information about Open Salon GO HERE."
very funny.
except for the entry about the blogwhoring - i'm simultaneously appalled and undecidely thrilled that, at my age, I am capable of qualifying for any whoring.
For those of you who are my compatriot blogwhores - please continue to do so (I don't delete - at least not always) and it's usually the only way I know about your post,
And please don't private PM (you'll get me unnecessarily excited to receive a private email notification, and whoring is all the excitement I can handle as it is.
Rated.
Ha! A delight, this. Thanks for the laughs!
As Cranky says, the writer of this post must be a genius............
So right, Ann - he thinks that highly of the author I imagine.
Amused and enlightened.
i read it again gabby, forgetting the first time. it's even funnier now for some reason. remember: it's not a community. i miss u. this is ben sen. ben sen. ben sen.
"Look FRed(tm) - show some interest dammit Boy - TR-ig even got a mention back all these months ago plus Nana still had hair.
We're all gonna die for sure but not before the Canadians invade the USA and get that friggin cycle."

Rated with an Ug
( may shrink if not handwashed)
@ Creekend, I'm not certain whether to be intrigued or to write you off as a whackadoodle. A sharp fence to be sitting on fer shure.
Hi Gabby,
I'm just a Brit who finds OS intriguing and enjoyed your post.
To me there all just Blogs - and my English/English humoUr can sometimes be Lost in Translation.

Its all a long way on from CB Radio.

Cheers from the UK.
I rated and almost forgot to comment. Is that worse than the reverse? Somehow I don't think so. I had forgotten this. Laffed just as hard - probly harder - than the first time. BTW, where have you been, or, rather, when are you returning?