With apologies to those who feel otherwise, Dick Clark’s death doesn’t mean diddly to me. But delivering the news, as tiny tidbit, not Momentous Event, to my dear one provoked an irrepressible surge of devilish shorthand ways to describe the Eternal Teen’s death.
Here, then, with no reverence at all, the headlines that should have been written about Dick Clark’s passing:
Dick Clark Trades Rock ‘N’ Roll for Rock of Ages
Dick Clark No Longer to Rock New Year’s Eve
Dick Clark Takes Stairway to Heaven
Dick Clark Dies: Apostle of Eternal Youth Now Eternal
Dick Clark Begins Ultimate “Bandstand” Reunion
Of course, my mind soon turned to other (shameless) possibilities . . .
Elvis Leaves All Buildings
Sinatra Goes His Way
Garland Goes Over Rainbow
Pearl Bailey to Play Pearly Gates
Berlitz Translated
Hilton Checks Out
Edsel Ford Recalled
Price Goes to Final Accounting
Edison’s Light Out
Herman Hollerith Punches Out
Globetrotter Bly Takes Last Trip
Child’s Goose Is Cooked (sorry, Julia!)
Lindbergh’s Flight Cancelled
General Robert Scott’s Co-Pilot Takes Over
Houdini Escape Fails for First—and Last—Time
Bobby Fischer Checkmated
Harpo Seeks Better Instrument
Hardy Leaves Duo Forever; Laurel in Tears
Marceau Silenced
News Flash: Legosi Was Acting
Errol Flynn to Be Questioned About Wicked Ways
Garbo Gets Wish
Hitchcock’s Director Yells “Cut!”
Duncan Now Dancing with Stars
Lady Di Dies
Rehnquist Appeals to Higher Court
Madalyn Murray O’Hair Says Time to Test Theory
For history lovers:
Columbus Sails On
Magellan to Discover New Country
Luther Becomes Diet of Worms
Wellington Meets His Waterloo
Napoleon Exiled for Good
Pope Promoted
Look Out, Lord: Emma Goldman to Organize Angels
And for those with a literary bent:
Thomas Wolfe Looks Homeward, Can’t Go There
Donne’s Bell Rung
Poe to Write Nevermore
Melville Really Has Writer’s Block Now
Death Stops for Dickinson
J.D. Salinger Guarantees Privacy
Hemingway a Great Shot
Cat Lover Eliot Had Only One Life
God Has Last Laugh on Twain
Milton Regains Paradise—He Hopes
Woolf’s Stream of Consciousness Runs Dry
Contributions are welcome!
Words © 2012 AtHome Pilgrim.
All Rights Reserved.
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Comments
How about "Lennon Still More Popular than Jesus "?
Mrs. P=quite the card!
Elvis Returned to Sender
That sentance alone was worth the read and rate my friend. Here's one more for Dick: "The ball has dropped!"
Then there's Faulkner: As he lay dead
Fitzgerald's found the other side of paradise
Dostoevski's notes from six feet underground
Chekhov checks out
Walker Percy meets Thanatos
O'Neill goeth with the Iceman
(stop me before I pun again!)
(hallllllp!)
*Jackson off to Neverland.
~r
Jim Morrison Turns Out the Lights
heron: She's all aces!
Abrawang: Ha on your Elvis--and poor Joe and Jim, too!
Brunhilde: As Rick said to Captain Renault, I was misinformed. Glad you enjoyed, though.
John: Bingo!
Balto: Well, I have to say, Levon's passing didn't do anything for me, either. This post was really born of my complete and utter bewilderment at the propensity of people to comment on the deaths of celebrities. Maybe I'm just hard-hearted or lack imagination, but I just don't get it.
David: See note above. Love your addition!
Scarlett: Glad.
Chicken: My, but you are on a roll!!! I particularly like Fitzgerald and Dostoevsky.
TME: Ha! Yes!!!!
diana: Much obliged.
candace: Love it! That introduces a whole new category: fictional characters. "Anna Karenina Takes the A Train . . ."
I have been watching Venus, she has been magnificent. I may work her into a poem very soon. Thanks for the inspiration
rated with love
and the Elvis one, well, maybe diaanani can make the T-shirt design
so late to this, as always