The AtHome Pilgrim

Musings at a Slower Pace

AtHomePilgrim

AtHomePilgrim
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"Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita," I find myself still asking some of the same questions I did when I was just a punk kid. The Big Things confuse me. Fortunately, though, many little things delight and amuse me, and some Big Things--my wife, our kids, our bird and bunny visitors, food, baseball--make me very, very happy. In my pilgrimage, I try to be guided by the wisdom of dear old Auntie Mame: "Life is a banquet!"

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APRIL 20, 2012 8:26AM

Friday List: Obit Headlines That Should Have Been

Rate: 14 Flag

With apologies to those who feel otherwise, Dick Clark’s death doesn’t mean diddly to me. But delivering the news, as tiny tidbit, not Momentous Event, to my dear one provoked an irrepressible surge of devilish shorthand ways to describe the Eternal Teen’s death.  

Here, then, with no reverence at all, the headlines that should have been written about Dick Clark’s passing: 

Dick Clark Trades Rock ‘N’ Roll for Rock of Ages 

Dick Clark No Longer to Rock New Year’s Eve 

Dick Clark Takes Stairway to Heaven 

Dick Clark Dies: Apostle of Eternal Youth Now Eternal 

Dick Clark Begins Ultimate “Bandstand” Reunion    

 

Of course, my mind soon turned to other (shameless) possibilities . . .  

Elvis Leaves All Buildings 

Sinatra Goes His Way 

Garland Goes Over Rainbow 

Pearl Bailey to Play Pearly Gates 

Berlitz Translated 

Hilton Checks Out 

Edsel Ford Recalled 

Price Goes to Final Accounting 

Edison’s Light Out 

Herman Hollerith Punches Out 

Globetrotter Bly Takes Last Trip 

Child’s Goose Is Cooked (sorry, Julia!) 

Lindbergh’s Flight Cancelled 

General Robert Scott’s Co-Pilot Takes Over 

Houdini Escape Fails for First—and Last—Time 

Bobby Fischer Checkmated  

Harpo Seeks Better Instrument 

Hardy Leaves Duo Forever; Laurel in Tears 

Marceau Silenced 

News Flash: Legosi Was Acting 

Errol Flynn to Be Questioned About Wicked Ways 

Garbo Gets Wish 

Hitchcock’s Director Yells “Cut!” 

Duncan Now Dancing with Stars 

Lady Di Dies 

Rehnquist Appeals to Higher Court 

Madalyn Murray O’Hair Says Time to Test Theory  

 

For history lovers: 

Columbus Sails On 

Magellan to Discover New Country 

Luther Becomes Diet of Worms 

Wellington Meets His Waterloo 

Napoleon Exiled for Good 

Pope Promoted 

Look Out, Lord: Emma Goldman to Organize Angels  

 

And for those with a literary bent: 

Thomas Wolfe Looks Homeward, Can’t Go There 

Donne’s Bell Rung 

Poe to Write Nevermore 

Melville Really Has Writer’s Block Now 

Death Stops for Dickinson 

J.D. Salinger Guarantees Privacy 

Hemingway a Great Shot 

Cat Lover Eliot Had Only One Life 

God Has Last Laugh on Twain 

Milton Regains Paradise—He Hopes 

Woolf’s Stream of Consciousness Runs Dry  

 

Contributions are welcome!  

 

Words © 2012 AtHome Pilgrim. 

All Rights Reserved.

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Comments

Type your comment below:
I love your sweet & witty irreverence, Pilgrim. "Harpo Seeks Better Instrument"~ heavenly! Another for Papa: "Hemingway Hits Target" :)
How about "Lennon Still More Popular than Jesus "?
So clever. I wish I had a T shirt with the Elvis Left All Buildings.

Mrs. P=quite the card!
Great list. How about

Elvis Returned to Sender
That was a lot of fun — thanks! But I have a quibble: Melville continued to write all his life, so I don't think he had writer's block. Intriguingly, his headstone shows an open book — with enigmatically blank pages.
I suggest: "Frost takes road most travelled."
"Dick Clark's death doesn't mean diddly to me."

That sentance alone was worth the read and rate my friend. Here's one more for Dick: "The ball has dropped!"
Perked me up, Pilgrim. Then Sharon Skirt inspired me to: Lennon's come-to-Jesus time.

Then there's Faulkner: As he lay dead

Fitzgerald's found the other side of paradise

Dostoevski's notes from six feet underground

Chekhov checks out

Walker Percy meets Thanatos

O'Neill goeth with the Iceman

(stop me before I pun again!)
Ken Kesey's off the bus

(hallllllp!)
Love the headlines and the thought that went into them. Bad taste? Nah.

*Jackson off to Neverland.
~r
Old MacDonald Buys the Farm.
i'm with heron and mrs. p - the elvis title is a huge winner. sign me up for a shirt. good list, pilgrim. shaking things up with a little irreverence (or no little reverence) on a friday afternoon.
Joe Strummer Finally Decides To Go

Jim Morrison Turns Out the Lights
dirndl: Glad you had a laugh. I love your additions!

heron: She's all aces!

Abrawang: Ha on your Elvis--and poor Joe and Jim, too!

Brunhilde: As Rick said to Captain Renault, I was misinformed. Glad you enjoyed, though.

John: Bingo!

Balto: Well, I have to say, Levon's passing didn't do anything for me, either. This post was really born of my complete and utter bewilderment at the propensity of people to comment on the deaths of celebrities. Maybe I'm just hard-hearted or lack imagination, but I just don't get it.

David: See note above. Love your addition!

Scarlett: Glad.

Chicken: My, but you are on a roll!!! I particularly like Fitzgerald and Dostoevsky.

TME: Ha! Yes!!!!

diana: Much obliged.

candace: Love it! That introduces a whole new category: fictional characters. "Anna Karenina Takes the A Train . . ."
Wonderful post, after reading it I started thinking about some for people that haven't crapped out yet. Then superstition took over and I didn't want to be responsible for any early demises.
I have been watching Venus, she has been magnificent. I may work her into a poem very soon. Thanks for the inspiration
rated with love
Clever list - of course, it all depends on where you want to draw the line; perhaps at something like: "Janis Joplin - Take a piece of her heart now, since it no longer works." Or is that too much?
the Luther one!!!
and the Elvis one, well, maybe diaanani can make the T-shirt design
so late to this, as always