I consider myself a vibrator connoisseur and, as such, I’m always interested in new products. When I read that Good Housekeeping U.K. would be publishing it’s first-ever review of vibes, my heart skipped a beat. They invited 100 women to test a variety of products and rate them according to a satisfaction scale. Now the Good Housekeeping seal of approval for the gift that keeps on giving is huge—the next logical step would be a Consumers Report dedicated to best buys in buzzers. 

 So it was with great anticipation that I clicked on THE LIST.  The rabbit, check, warming bullet, check, but then my eyes moved down to number 5.  The rolling pin?  WTF?  I googled hard but could not find it. That’s when my imagination took over. First of all is the size altered so that an Easy Bake chef could you use it?  Does it require two hands to roll out the relief? And if you‘re going to name a vibe after a kitchen tool, surely there are other names that come to mind. Melon baller, sizzling spatula, OXO good grips g-spotter all have more appeal that than a gadget designed to pummel dough into submission.  But wait, it gets worse.  Number 6 is the Tongs vibrator.  Why not just invent a Tweezerman twister that can give you the big O and a Brazilian at the same time?  I understand that British slang differs from the US variety, but do tongs really conjure up randy shandy, rumpy pumpy sex?  We might as well rename the rabbit the toad in the hole and label remote vibrators as the ultimate call-box.  But I saved the all-time worst name for last: Leftovers.  Why beat around the bush (as it were)? Just call it sloppy seconds and be done with it.

 

I’m not an expert on British slang but I do know my arse from my shag carpet, and frankly these names seem like marketing nightmares. How could you sell some of these vibrators? “Leftover orgasms are special because they’re even better the next day.”  Perhaps a diddle riddle could work?  “What bashes your dish and the bish?”  It’s a cheeky challenge—no doubt about it.  For me, I’ll stick with my favorites and leave the tongs across the pond.