Athena Bradford

Athena Bradford
Atlanta, Georgia, US
November 07
Athena Bradford is a writer, explorer, researcher, and the author of “The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to Vibrators.” She suffers from delusions of candor and longs for days when there is no embargo on pleasure.


Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 30, 2009 11:41AM

Diving for Sex

Rate: 48 Flag

divingstockxpertcom_id492837_jpg_3b1d5667f6207837f8479028f0546673First of all, I hate novelty gifts.  They seem pointless to me.  I mean, really, how many times can a pooping pig induce true belly laughs.  I look at Whoopee cushions, toilet seat outhouse decals, and racing grannies with disbelief—who are these people who shell out $15 for a nose shaped shower gel dispenser?  Yet, my scale of stupidity had to be adjusted when I discovered the Sex Snorkel.


Can you imagine strapping this contraption on the next time you decide to take a dip at the Y? Not only is it ridiculous, it’s completely unnecessary, and counterproductive.  Oral sex is all about finesse, not face plants in the crotch, and we all know that the clitoris hates to be bullied.  If you can’t figure out how to breath through your nose, then you totally deserve looking like John Belushi in his bee costume. What’s next?  Sending a canary up the vagina to see if survives? 

If you really find oral sex so difficult to master, you can always add the ear mounted light specifically designed to illuminate the crotch during oral sex. 


 Perfect also for grilling the labia  “And Majora where were you and MInora exactly on the night of July 3rd?  Nerd spoiler:  the device is not Bluetooth compatible.

There’s something inherently unsettling in these “jokes”.  There is the implication that a woman’s body is so unknowable that we have to engineer new ways to master the foreign terrain.  I’ve said this before, but it obviously needs repeating.  Great oral sex requires emotional intelligence.  You both need to communicate and respond to each other’s sexual expectations and desires, with patience, knowledge and a willingness to listen.  A high erotic quotient implies confidence, respect, imagination and the ability to laugh like a gibbon at these ultimate gag gifts. So put down the toys of these sexual saboteurs and say a toast to the female form, which is both path and journey and just waiting to be explored.

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The combination of your great writing, the tremendous humor of your subject, but also your ability to recognize its worrisome implications (as in, what a funny gag gift, but do women's private parts really inspire so much anxiety that they require mine-exploring equipment), is irresistible.
Wow, Caroline. Thanks for the compliment and for taking the time to comment. Best
Well these are silly but I still that a GPS to locate the G-Spot is a good idea.

These rank (and I think rank is an appropriate word on many levels) up there with edible undies and the elephant nose briefs for men. Gifts given for fun and never meant to be used.
Man, and I already wasted 30 bucks for bed flippers.
Caroline pretty much said it all . . . great post. And sheesh!
Your post made me think of this comic:

Mostly because it's the same issue from two different directions.
I can't think of anything that would spoil the moment more than one of these "contraptions".
I love your concluding paragraph. Yes, yes, and yes!
If you hear something funny sounding that would be me trying to laugh like a gibbon.
Oh for chrissake...I'm laughing and shaking my head all at once. Outstanding writing, Athena.
Loved that last sentence.
I love pooping pigs!!!
Gee, I just read Caroline's post. Is this National Sex Week? I think sex itself -- all aspects -- reguires emotional intelligence. It does for me anyway.

Rated (R) : I know Caroline, I used that for yours. Forgive me...
Well said and Belushi in his bee costume ~ perfect description! Agree with deepcleave ~ "If you can't find it in the dark, you have no reason to go looking for it!" It's suppposed to be sex, not a science experiment!
path and journey...

two paths diverged in the goddamn woods...

took the wrong one...

backtrack & find the fucking divergence point again....
no more snorkeling in the deep end...
step in...
down the stairs..
into the water, slowly...

splash splash
Great Post, I especially loved:

"So put down the toys of these sexual saboteurs and say a toast to the female form, which is both path and journey and just waiting to be explored."

Very true and very well expressed. We must take the time to connect 'up top' in order to 'enjoy below'.

I'm thinkin' that the light would make me feel like I was at the gynecologist and something was really wrong with my crotch!
That's why I'm S.C.U.B.A. certified.
Serving Cunnilingus Underwater Beautifully AMEN!
Athena, that Itty Bitty **** Light is remarkable. Anything that makes intimacy more like a pelvic exam is a good thing. Right? [sigh]
You are welcome.
The clitoris hates to be bullied? Who knew. I suppose I should try to return that butt plug flashlight I just ordered. They really had me sold on that one.
Oh, please. How did you ever find that thing? Now, Michaels butt flashlight has possibilities...
It's always the best thing to be able to breath through your ears and have those light thingies on top of your head! ~L~

@ManTalkNow. Precisely. Now if only it came with stirrups...
God, I laughed out loud, while all alone reading this. The last faceplant I made was while skiing, thank you very much. I agreee with your take on this latest piece of silliness, and wonder why anyone would want the female form, lovely as it is, brightly illuminated in super-maxo-closeupity. I prefer to go mostly by feel in that department with a nice, sexy dim light. (Lest I be accused of sexism, who the hell wants to look at a highly lit schlong, or twig/berries combo up really close.) Rated for hilarity.
I've just decided hire a crossing guard who can direct the guy to where he needs to go.
Oh, wow. I just laughed a little too loudly at work. Thank you.
Briefly I tried to imagine what it would be like if, during the midst of much kissing and such, a man were to don the equivalent of a miner's headlamp before going down on me and well, I can only say that it's an option that is not on the table. WTF!

Yes the clitoris is a mystery, even to those of us that have one, but solving it won't happen with headlamp. It. Just. Won't.
Awesome post! I love it! I'm going to send the link to a whole bunch of non-bloggers!
"What’s next? Sending a canary up the vagina to see if survives? "

Great line. Rated.
the snorkel reminds me of the CPAP mask I was using a few weeks back. Nothing sexy about it.
funniest thing i've read in a Loooong time. he whole thing is LOL funny. thanks!

bonus for: nerd spoiler: not bluetooth compatible!!!
hehehehe! Okay, I've stepped away from the toys. Now what? xox
hilarious :D I actually want the the little light thing- getting the funniest image of someone wearing that and coming up under the sheet to your crotch humming the theme from jaws
I've sound the language aid, Rosetta Bone to be totally unnecessary as, being a man who has been fortunate enough to have had the opportunity to perform oral sex FOR women who spoke other than English, I have becum cunnilingual.

Great article and, YES, it DID inspire the nonsense I posted
Love that light: "Don't Go Down Without It"

Thanks Athena!
OK the first thing would have been popular in the eighties for faster snorting of nose candy - sort of equivalent to those hats that hold two cans of beer. The light I have seen in tool catalogs etc for close-up work, but I had not thought of that use for one. Having had the thought put in my mind, I still think I'll pass. Oral sex is all about touch and taste. Staring too much is a bit juvenile.
I worry that it would get crushed by a pair of pretty excited thighs. And, I don't think I could focus that close! Don't know if I want to see such detail anyway. And, touch, taste, and smell seem to take over at that point!!! Goofy post, so I rated it!
Gorgeous writing. Spot on points. ManTalk, Michael, allay' all, look at the snorkel pic: that woman's tongue alone should be X-Rated.

I'm betting the same clueless people who purchase penis and breast enhancers will buy these. And continue fail to please themselves or others.
Many good points. I'm always amazed how few...well, let's put it this way: good oral sex requires intuition, tuning into another. I think we're increasingly losing out on that quality so therefore oral sex is taking a major nosedive, no pun intended.

But re: how many times can a pooping pig induce true belly laughs, let's not underestimate the power of a pooping pig, shall we? Whoopee cushions have stood the test of time for a reason.

Kudos on addressing these matters. Somebody better!
Any endeavor comes with its own share of laughably-useless accessories. Just look in any thrift shop or dollar store!

And your point you've made about emotional intelligence is spot-on too! (@zashin - Right on!)

LOL Forget lights, give me a steel tongue any day! Wooo!