First of all, I hate novelty gifts.  They seem pointless to me.  I mean, really, how many times can a pooping pig induce true belly laughs.  I look at Whoopee cushions, toilet seat outhouse decals, and racing grannies with disbelief—who are these people who shell out $15 for a nose shaped shower gel dispenser?  Yet, my scale of stupidity had to be adjusted when I discovered the Sex Snorkel.

Can you imagine strapping this contraption on the next time you decide to take a dip at the Y? Not only is it ridiculous, it’s completely unnecessary, and counterproductive.  Oral sex is all about finesse, not face plants in the crotch, and we all know that the clitoris hates to be bullied.  If you can’t figure out how to breath through your nose, then you totally deserve looking like John Belushi in his bee costume. What’s next?  Sending a canary up the vagina to see if survives? 

If you really find oral sex so difficult to master, you can always add the ear mounted light specifically designed to illuminate the crotch during oral sex. 

 Perfect also for grilling the labia  “And Majora where were you and MInora exactly on the night of July 3^rd?  Nerd spoiler:  the device is not Bluetooth compatible.

There’s something inherently unsettling in these “jokes”.  There is the implication that a woman’s body is so unknowable that we have to engineer new ways to master the foreign terrain.  I’ve said this before, but it obviously needs repeating.  Great oral sex requires emotional intelligence.  You both need to communicate and respond to each other’s sexual expectations and desires, with patience, knowledge and a willingness to listen.  A high erotic quotient implies confidence, respect, imagination and the ability to laugh like a gibbon at these ultimate gag gifts. So put down the toys of these sexual saboteurs and say a toast to the female form, which is both path and journey and just waiting to be explored.