Athena Bradford

Athena Bradford
Atlanta, Georgia, US
November 07
Athena Bradford is a writer, explorer, researcher, and the author of “The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to Vibrators.” She suffers from delusions of candor and longs for days when there is no embargo on pleasure.


JUNE 13, 2009 7:52PM

Get Your Ass Over Here: The Cone Vibrator

Rate: 24 Flag

As an occasional reviewer of sex-related products, I sometimes find “surprise” packages at my front door. Two weeks ago I received a nondescript cardboard box, but the content was anything but ordinary. What did I discover when I rummaged through the tissue paper? The cone vibrator. 

 The Cone                 


Now the cone has been around for a while but this was my first chance to test-drive it.

Just in case the picture doesn’t do it justice, let me provide a more complete description.  First of all it’s big, measuring 7 “ across the base and 5 inches tall.  (Men, you all know what six inches looks like, so just use your imagination.) It features a souped-up 3,000-rpm motor so you can pretend you are diverting traffic AND operating a jackhammer simultaneously. And it is PINK.  I’m talking make-your-teeth ache-Pepto-Bismol pink with a chaser of cotton candy.

When I first saw this his and/or her vibe, I was not bewitched, just bothered and bewildered. Did I really want to turn my tender tarmac into a construction zone? No. But my honest opinion was required, so I reluctantly put my snarky thoughts aside and tried it on for sighs.  Consulting the instruction manual, I discovered helpful illustrations of recommended positions—all hands-free! Unlike every other vibe on the market, (i)conic coitus involves resting or sitting on the vibe. 

As I began perusing the possibilities, I noticed one glaring oddity-- every illustration prominently featured reading material. 

Cone Positions  

Were the figures reading the instructions, perusing racy porn, or checking on the correct way to assume the down dog position?  Apparently, having both hands free allows you to multi-task in ways I’d never thought possible. 

The On the Way Out variation allows you to achieve the big “O” while “drying your hair or applying make-up." 

 On Your Way Out

"Pop it on a chair, lower yourself down and enjoy the sensation, as you get ready for your day.  Perfect.”  Come again?  Who the Hell wants to focus on applying foundation when you’re trying to raise the rafters with a roaring orgasm?

But maybe I just lack an adventurous spirit.  If you read the customer reviews on the cone’s website, the conversations women have with this inanimate object can get pretty animated.  Hearts pound, pulses race and the explosions sound worthy of a supernova! 

So I decided to get back up on the um… horse.  Discovering that the lunge is one of most popular positions, I decided it would be the logical next step.  How very wrong I was.  Because you hold your intimate hovercraft over the cone, the hamstring strength required to maintain this position is only possible for the genetically enhanced.  As my thighs do not bear any resemblance to Popeye’s forearms, they began to shake after a minute. By minute 2, the inevitable happened: The cone turned on me.  I fell off, and it ricocheted off the bed frame.

After all of this “C”-list battery buzzing, my poor Little Bo Peep felt like a swollen vending machine.  Instead of choosing the sensible path to pleasure (immersing myself in a sitz bath for hours), I decided to take another whack at the sit spins.  This time, however, I tried The Wall.


The WAll  

Recommended for more adventurous customers, The Wall enabled me to give my quads a rest and paint my toenails at the same time. (I make up for in flexibility what I lack in lower body strength. I was voted “Most like Linguine” in High School.)  While this position gave me much needed support, it rendered a small but pivotal part –the control switch, inaccessible. The cone comes with 16 built-in programs ranging from subtle vibrations to blast off. Fumbling for the all-important orgasm button between my legs proved “pointless.”  The dimpled button that guaranteed a predictable Doppler effect fwas always just beyond my reach, and I couldn’t see under the hood.  Maybe I shouldn’t have let my subscription to Contortionist Illustrated lapse.

So there I was, bumping and grinding away when the soles of my shoes began sliding on the hardwood floors, my orgasm hanging precariously in the balance. At that point, thoroughly bored with the cone (and I mean that in both senses of the phrase) my eyes fell on one of the random reviews that now littered my bedroom floor. 

Great Sex Toys for Hiding Out in the Open.  I slowly lowered myself to the floor and began to read. The Cone it seems, is being touted as a vibe “you can leave out for guests to appreciate your art collection!” Then I spotted another: “The funky, contemporary style means you don’t need to hide it away in the bedroom drawer.”

First of all, you’d need a steamer trunk not a drawer, and second, “Who the hell wants a pink cone in their living room.”  Maybe if you’re living in Barbie’s dream house or like to display oddities among your odds and ends, this makes sense.  But for people who don’t consider random neon-bright shapes  postpostmodern sculpture, it’s unfathomable. Sure this piece of “tramp art” is less benign than a diving dolphin, but why would anyone want to test the limits of their personal sphere of privacy with a vibrator? Keep them in your secret stash where they belong and put this pleasure dome away. 

Bottom Line: for the maladroit I give it only 1 star, and while I’m at it, a double thumbs down, which I can do because both hands are free.

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This was entertaining, which I take it was more than the "cone" provided. Seems like such an unnatural shape, unless you work for the highway department.
Rated immediately for the pictures alone. I will read it later.
Doesn't appear to be a winner, but you sure did give it every opportunity.

Have you ever tried a Sybian?
Sooo funny! I remember my first visit to an adult store . . . nothing like that there. Just a bored guy sitting behind a glass case of improbable dildoes, reading "Future Shock."
Damn - just glad you made it through the testing period relatively unscathed!
It didn't look very promising but I'm always on the lookout since I'm kind of hard to satisfy. I really tried to think of another use for it and the only thing I can think of is a cooling rack for a tube pan.
To give them a chance though maybe a man should try it and let us know what he thinks.
Your description, however, was fun to read.
Ablonde. I have tried it with great success, unlike the cone.
To all who think it looks promising, there are plenty of reviewers who sing its praises. It is expensive (abt. $140) but you can get it for abt 50% off. Also, the cone now comes in black if that helps in decision-making.
EEEEK! That looks almost painful. The idea is interesting, but I think sometimes we try to reinvent the wheel, when it comes to sex toys.

Re, the "Art" aspect . . .there are some BEAUTIFUL glass toys out there that don't even look like sex toys, its amazing. :)
Oh my. I can honestly say that I have never received one of these at my front door. I feel left out.
Maybe it's the vibrator for the well-read and they are all perusing Sylvia Plath... thanks for doing the work for us.
This was such a funny post, but then the cone seems silly to begin with. The first thing I notice about it is that it's pointy, so you know, just forget it. And while reading, doing your hair? Isn't that woman on the wall reading something also? You're funny but you make some excellent points such as: "Who the hell wants to focus on applying foundation when they're trying to raise the rafters with a roaring orgasm?" Who indeed.
Thanks for several laughs. :0)
"Come again?" Hilarious! A masterful piece of friction writing. ;)
I had to come back to ask...How DOES one get a gig as "an occasional reviewer of sex-related objects," anyway?

No, really, I'm all ears...
Thank you for the review, which was informative, very funny, and written extremly well. The hands free to read concept is intruiging. I can now just envision some lovely wench reading Virgina Wolfe whilst "coning" her nether region. lol thumbed (:
Hilarious and fun. I'd read about the Cone and had considered it for a gift. Thanks for the review, Athena.
It's interesting, if you step back and look at what people are writing, viewing, rating and commenting on... it's pretty obviously that there are a lot of people out there that just aren't getting laid tonight.
Were you wearing impossibly high-heeled shoes? Apparently the shoes are an essential part of the experience.
hm, it only got a 3 out of 5 stars on Edenfantasys, too. Think that will be something I don't end up buying. What? everyone doesn't read while masturbating...I feel so lonely.
Athena, I'm so glad to read this! I've been puzzling over the cone for the last year, every time I go into Babeland, giving it a WTF in my head, but never being curious enough to ask about it since it's pretty expensive.

Oh- I almost forgot! You totally made me crack up, too!!! Yay, Athena!

And of course...

Too funny! Having your hands free does give you the opportunity to get some pleasure (not including reading or doing your nails) and from the sounds of it your hands may be the only pleasure you'll get with the cone!
That's hilarious! I hope you eventually managed to get there somehow, with or without that thing. You oughta try the monkey rocker... :)
Steve, I'm sure yours just got lost in the mail.
Deborah & Tea and Sympathy--now you've got me thinking about the literature possibilities and I can't stop. Love the VW line and think a riff on reading SylviaPlath atop the cone of silence would be hilarious.
Verbal Remedy, Check your email
Julie, This is no way to start the Summer of LOVE
Whew! I am so relieved this one bottomed out.
Athena, love the idea of the Sylvia Plath riff. Available for collaboration. ;)
Funny review

Besides reading or doing makeup here are some additional illustrations to demonstrate the "hands free" multitasking features.

Using the cone siting in a pew while singing a hymn

Using the cone in a conference chair while watching a PowerPoint

Using the cone while doing eye surgery

Using the cone while landing a jet liner

Using the cone while disarming a bomb

With "hands free" operation the possibilities are endless.
M Todd. Here's another one to add to thelist. Someone suggested positioning the cone on a saddle an going for a horseback ride. That's enough to scar them permanently and you'd proably have t pu it inide your pants--possible new line of jodphurs for clowns?

Writer Vixen--I am always available to collaborate with you for "friction writing"
Oh you are funny. Please have coffee with me next time I'm up in Atlanta! I want your job.
Dayna, It's a date! just let me know when you plan to be in Atlanta. I'd love to meet you.
Horseback riding....ouch!
Now I gotta go look up the Sybian - thanks ablonde. This cone doesn't look user-friendly at all. And I, too, am difficult to please . I got one of those ridiculously priced rabbits and they're NOT all they're cracked up to be, in the least!

You're a good, funny writer. Thanks!
Lordy, makes you wonder what was the inspiration for this device?! I mean, sure, hands free operation is always enticing, perpetuating the illusion that you're not really masturbating, but just enjoying a secret orgasm (with a gigantic pink buzzing rubber UFO). I'm grateful for the review, this is definitely banned from my wish list -- although, hmm... being able to read OS Blogs while trying to raise the rafters might be something worth going on a quest for. Maybe if it were less pointy?