ANNOUNCER: …And now we have time for just one more question on our new WKOS talk show, “Ask the Ballbuster.” For those of you who have only just tuned in, the host of our show is a black man, who calls himself the Ballbuster, and the purpose of the show is to provide advice to members of the white majority who feel guilty about being white, and need an opportunity to unburden themselves to an erudite member of the black race who is keenly alert to any kind of racial affront, even when there is none, and will offer you neither sympathy nor consolation no matter how abjectly you grovel.
BALLBUSTER: OK, up next and last is Jeanie, of Simi Valley, California. Jeanie, what silly statement do you wish to make, knowing full well that I will belittle your wording, demolish your assumptions, question your motives, expose your bigotry, and leave you feeling drained yet unsatisfied?
CALLER: Thank you so much for taking my call, Ballbuster.
BALLBUSTER: Don’t try to get on my good side by being civil. We are running out of time.
CALLER: I want to tell you about an experience I had last night. I was walking my dog through a gated community, when I saw about a dozen black youths coming toward me on the sidewalk, all of them swinging baseball bats with spikes protruding from them, and chanting “Kill Whitey! Whitey must die!”
BALLBUSTER: Yes? And you had a problem with that?
CALLER: I didn’t exactly have a problem. After all, even black people are entitled to free speech. But I just had the feeling that it might be prudent to cross to the other side of the street until they had passed. So I did, and now I feel a little guilty about it.
BALLBUSTER: Are you a Republican?
CALLER: Why, yes, BB, how did you guess?
BALLBUSTER: It was easy. Let me tell you something about yourself. You are a white, racist bigot, you favor capital punishment primarily to reduce the black population, yet you claim to be pro-Life when it comes to the abortion issue. You probably will say that some of your best friends are black…
CALLER: Oh, that’s not true at all…
BALLBUSTER: … OK, I stand corrected. You have no black friends and would never even consider it. When you see a gang of blacks coming toward you carrying weapons and chanting threats, you immediately assume that they are intent on criminal activity. If you packed a gun, no black person you encounter would be safe. You have been brainwashed beyond redemption. Your sick hatred of blacks will cause you to spend a lifetime crossing the street, literally and metaphorically. You draw sweeping conclusions from paltry evidence.
Furthermore, I don’t like the way you express yourself. What in the hell do you mean by “sidewalk”? Can't you recognize the racial connotations? Do you know what Freud and Plato had to say about sidewalks? Do you even know who Freud and Plato were? Well, you can bet your white ass that I do. Fuck you! Get off my show!
CALLER : Oh, thank you so much for your time, BB. I felt so unworthy, but now I feel much better!
(The closing theme is played, and the show ends. The show’s producer enters from the sound booth.)
PRODUCER: Oh, Grand Wizard Williams, another boffo show!
BALLBUSTER: Thank you, Kleagle Brown. If we can keep the show going for just a few months, we will undermine any sympathy the white community may have for the black people. Don’t let anybody suppose that the Klan is stuck in the ways of the past. We adapt to the times and to modern methods. I don’t think, however, that we would be able to pull this off on television.