Arlene Green

Arlene Green
Clearlake, California, USA
January 08
Geek girl, mother of more children than human beings should be allowed, owner of a snake named Plissken, several dogs, a plethora of cats, easily annoyed, easily overjoyed, will work for books.


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AUGUST 12, 2008 3:56AM

Reality Check: I'm Having Sex With Someone Else in My Head

Rate: 9 Flag

Dear Arlene,

Recently I've been dreaming about an old boyfriend. Not just dreaming, having full on passionate sex with him in my dreams. Which isn't so bad I guess. I don't have any control over my dreams. I'm worried because I've also started fantasizing about him while having sex with my husband.

I love my husband and we have a good life together. I'm not unhappy after 14 years and a couple of kids. I really do love my husband dearly. The sex is good if not mind blowing and I enjoy it. I don't understand why I keep doing this. I feel guilty about it, too. I feel like I am cheating on him in my head. The really crazy thing is that I haven't even seen my ex boyfriend in 10 years. It isn't as if I contacted him or he contacted me and that's why all this came up. I don't even know where he is now.

So what is wrong with me? And what can I do about it?


Dream Lover

Dear Dreamer-

First and foremost, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. To paraphrase that magic sex munchkin, Dr. Ruth, fantasy is a normal and healthy part of your sexuality and sex life. There isn't necessarily anything that needs to be done about it, either. I can give a stab at explaining to you why you might be going there, however.

You say that you have been married for 14 years and have a couple of children. 14 years is a good run in a marriage. I believe you when you say that you have a good marriage and that you love your husband-- you said it twice, after all. Neither of those thing, however, have anything to do with what sex can be like after 14 year and raising a couple of young kids. Sex at that stage of life in a long term relationship can get boring, even routine. That's the clue right there.

I suspect that your subconcious mind was trying to do you a favor and spice things up. It sounds to me like you have a healthy sex drive but maybe things have gotten too predictable for you. What you need is not your ex boyfriend but the variety that particular fantasy represents. Not that you need to take a lover, heaven forfend, but changing things up a little would probably do you both some good.

This fantasy of yours is not cheating on your husband, by the way. Or even a clue that you might want to. If you were headed that direction you would have picked someone a little closer and more accessible to fantasize about, like a co-worker or the mailman. So get rid of the guilt. There is no reason for guilt. You feel guilty about fantasy sex with some ex-boyfriend you haven't seen in a decade and I'll have to start feeling guilty about my little fantasy that involves Patrick Stewart. You don't want to do that to me? Right? I've spent years developing that fantasy.

The best thing I can suggest to you, since I think this is a symptom of boredom and nothing serious, is to get a little kinky. If you are comfortable with it go to a sex toy shop and see what takes your fancy. Or try your hand at a strip tease for your husband. Role play the damsel in distress and the knight on the white charger. Break out the plastic sheeting and the baby oil and slather each other up. Whatever it is that makes you feel a little naughty but doesn't make you feel weird, do that thing.

And you can keep the fantasy if you like. Pretty much anything that makes sex more enjoyable is 100% a good thing. Once you let go of the guilt and recognize it for what it is you will likely find that it adds to the sex with your husband instead of subtracts from it.

If you can't feel comfortable with the ex-boyfriend fantasy I suggest you trade him in for Patrick Stewart. Patrick is an excellent fantasy lover and he does whatever I tell him to. I'm sure he will be just as good to you.




Questions can be sent by using the messaging system at the top left of the page or by emailing me at arlene.l.green@gmail.com. Answers will be posted every Tuesday and Friday that I have questions to answer.


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You zero in right on target here. No one should feel guilty about their sex fantasies. Just think what people would think if all our thoughts were broadcasted for others to see, both sexual thoughts and everything else. Everyone would be offended!

It's OK, even probably healthy, to have these sorts of thoughts. At most, their an indication of some sexual boredom. That can usually be dealt with.

Monogamy doesn't extend to our subconscious. Talk about an impossible standard!
As always, Arlene, I am left with no possible response except, "What she said...."

Everything but Patrick Stewart. Not that I don't love him, but as a dream sex partner he's not for me.
...Patrick Stewart. That works for me too.
What she said, plus, go on vacation for a change of scenery.
I'm with Liz.. what Arlene said. Except not sure Patrick Stewart would meet my requirements. It's David Duchovney for me. Oh, shut up, I hate the X Files. Or, wait, James Spader. Ever since The White Palace (rent it) he's been been The One.
M. Chariot once wrote a deeply felt - and desperately misguided - love letter to Nichelle Nichols (Lt Uhura).
I have played second fiddle to Sean Connery all my adult life, knowing that if he came calling, my amour would be out the door without a glance backwards.

Funny that the girlfriends come and go, but Sean has always been the Other Man.
Jeff, does she know he likes to knock women around? Maybe that would change her mind.
I have it on good authority that he is horrifically rude.
Ha! The thing about fantasy lovers is even if in real life they are a womanizing bastard...in your head they can be anything you want them to be. That's why Sean is a perennial favorite. I make him call me mistress and lick my boots. ☺

Not to depress you, Jeff, but I even know of a 20 something who mostly goes for young famous guys that look about 12 to me and that I've never heard of but she also confessed to me that Sean does it for her. And she'd never even seen pictures of him when he was young. I had to Google them for her. The man has some sort of do me magnet about his person.

James Spader? Really? Ewwwwww. That boy makes my skin crawl. Always has. Have you looked at his eyes? He has dead eyes. Like a 3 day old fish.
Voyager wasn't that bad. Especially once Janeway got rid of the Katherine Hepburn hairdo and quit acting like she was still on a soap.

7 of 9 does it for everyone, I suspect. I even know completely straight women who will admit she's hot. I think my favorite Star Trek moment is when she puts the ship on red alert because they are being "bombarded by useless information" when the Doctor starts singing on that one planet and gets fan mail.
Patrick Stewart and Jon Stewart
The guy from the Daily Show? He does nada for me. How about Alan Rickman?
I love Alan Rickman, esp. as he appeared in Truly Madly Deeply
I'll second Sean Connery. Young or old, he is just....sexy. I don't know what it is. Though the voice is fantastic. Watched "The Hunt for Red October" with Alec Baldwin when he was at his hottest and I was still attracted to Sean Connery more.

Yeah, Jeri Ryan as 7 of 9 is 20 out of 10. I don't know if I have the hots for her or just envy her. I really liked Voyager and Enterprise. Deep Space Nine not so much. I can't watch TNG in reruns because it hasn't aged well at all. The original Star Trek is still good though. Again, I'm not sure why.
Ewww, no Baldwins, no, no, nyet. I like Jon Stewart, too, Sandra, funny and smart do it for me. Star Trek captains do not, sorry Arlene. To each her own imaginary sex partner. I like the new guy, Nathan Fillion, from Firefly, Dr. Horrible, and Waitress. I could dream do him.
Nathan Fillion looks exactly like the kid who used to live next door. I just confirmed this with the boys. "Who does he look like?" and they chorused "Stephen."

I'd feel like a child molester.
@ Jeff, I've always loved the original 007 in the official James Bond series. It is a shame that Sally, Liz and Blake has ruined my love affair with Mr. Connery by sharing those things about him. I guess all good things must come to an end.

As it relates to the letter, I hope she doesn't call out this ex-lover's name during a moment of passion.
Sandra, I love "Truly, Madly, Deeply!" We just showed it during a local (small) venue for films, a community-building project. I hadn't seen it on the big screen before, just on video.

Did you see "Galaxy Quest?" Alan Rickman is in that one, too, and it's hilarious, but also kind of touching.

Arlene, I agree with you about Patrick Stewart. I never could abide Shatner.
Sometimes though, it is kind-of-like a Christmas Eve, when you leave cookies and milk out for Santa (and NO mistercomedy, if you're nearby, I AM NOT thinking about sex!)
Clive Owen.... Oh, Baby! Oh, Baby!