Reality Check: I'm Having Sex With Someone Else in My Head
Recently I've been dreaming about an old boyfriend. Not just dreaming, having full on passionate sex with him in my dreams. Which isn't so bad I guess. I don't have any control over my dreams. I'm worried because I've also started fantasizing about him while having sex with my husband.
I love my husband and we have a good life together. I'm not unhappy after 14 years and a couple of kids. I really do love my husband dearly. The sex is good if not mind blowing and I enjoy it. I don't understand why I keep doing this. I feel guilty about it, too. I feel like I am cheating on him in my head. The really crazy thing is that I haven't even seen my ex boyfriend in 10 years. It isn't as if I contacted him or he contacted me and that's why all this came up. I don't even know where he is now.
So what is wrong with me? And what can I do about it?
First and foremost, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. To paraphrase that magic sex munchkin, Dr. Ruth, fantasy is a normal and healthy part of your sexuality and sex life. There isn't necessarily anything that needs to be done about it, either. I can give a stab at explaining to you why you might be going there, however.
You say that you have been married for 14 years and have a couple of children. 14 years is a good run in a marriage. I believe you when you say that you have a good marriage and that you love your husband-- you said it twice, after all. Neither of those thing, however, have anything to do with what sex can be like after 14 year and raising a couple of young kids. Sex at that stage of life in a long term relationship can get boring, even routine. That's the clue right there.
I suspect that your subconcious mind was trying to do you a favor and spice things up. It sounds to me like you have a healthy sex drive but maybe things have gotten too predictable for you. What you need is not your ex boyfriend but the variety that particular fantasy represents. Not that you need to take a lover, heaven forfend, but changing things up a little would probably do you both some good.
This fantasy of yours is not cheating on your husband, by the way. Or even a clue that you might want to. If you were headed that direction you would have picked someone a little closer and more accessible to fantasize about, like a co-worker or the mailman. So get rid of the guilt. There is no reason for guilt. You feel guilty about fantasy sex with some ex-boyfriend you haven't seen in a decade and I'll have to start feeling guilty about my little fantasy that involves Patrick Stewart. You don't want to do that to me? Right? I've spent years developing that fantasy.
The best thing I can suggest to you, since I think this is a symptom of boredom and nothing serious, is to get a little kinky. If you are comfortable with it go to a sex toy shop and see what takes your fancy. Or try your hand at a strip tease for your husband. Role play the damsel in distress and the knight on the white charger. Break out the plastic sheeting and the baby oil and slather each other up. Whatever it is that makes you feel a little naughty but doesn't make you feel weird, do that thing.
And you can keep the fantasy if you like. Pretty much anything that makes sex more enjoyable is 100% a good thing. Once you let go of the guilt and recognize it for what it is you will likely find that it adds to the sex with your husband instead of subtracts from it.
If you can't feel comfortable with the ex-boyfriend fantasy I suggest you trade him in for Patrick Stewart. Patrick is an excellent fantasy lover and he does whatever I tell him to. I'm sure he will be just as good to you.
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