Blue …
*BLINK*
(“I judge you.”)

Brown …
*SLOW BLINK*
(“I critique you.”)

Green …
*BLINK BLINK*
(“I envy you.”)

Hazel …
*WINKY BLINK*
(“I don’t understand you.”)

Black …
*NO BLINK*
(“I see you.”)

And even my own eyes …
*KINDA BLINK*
(“I hate you.”)

For the longest time I saw derision and judgment in their hues. In their looks.

And in my own.

Honestly? I still see that. Their eyes were my own mirror. I saw myself as they did. With no question. Absolutely none.

But now? Now I also see compassion. Interest. Sometimes I even see, “Wow, she’s weird!” But mostly? I see understanding.

(But? ...

... I STILL see judgement. And hatred. And, "how could you?" And, "how could you not?!")

Judging? I view now as curiosity. Critiques I see as a path to make myself bigger, better, and faster; stronger even. Envy is disappointment turned inward – and because of that I will work my hardest to become a teacher. To show that ... yes. YES! You can start to be the person you want to be.

That you CAN see the "yourself " you want to be. To live that person you want to be. That person you want to LIVE.

When someone doesn’t understand, I won’t try to blatantly teach. Instead I will obviously live. And by living, I will show. And once they see that? That showing?

I promise to not shy away from myself. Instead I will embrace myself, to show, to embrace "it", and allow you into my space. And embrace you. Foibles and all.

Maybe we can both learn, from each other.

And instead of hate? Instead of reflecting back the disgust you see, maybe, just maybe, I’ll allow you a reflection. A reflection of okayness.

Of acceptance.

Of learning.

My life?

I’ve tried to live the rollercoaster – of holding onto the handlebar and biting my lip. And of trying to be quiet. But you know what? Biting your lip too much and too often leads to blood. And I don’t want that.

I want to laugh unabashedly. And joyously. I don’t want to contain myself, or hold myself back. So … I will scream. And smile. (And I WILL occasionally bite my lip. Maybe yours.)

Yes. Yes, I will. I will bite my own, and yours. And will that lip be curled into an unknowing smile?

God, I hope so.

My happiness and sadness will be loud, and it will be true. When I reach the peak I will laugh through my terror. When the cart comes rushing down, I will scream out my fear.

But mostly, I will no longer be quiet. Instead? I will live my life in the moment, and it will be out loud. It will be honest. My heart will be on my sleeve. (And it will be hidden in my boot.)

My life? It will now be lived in bright, and passionate, red.

Will it be easy? No, of course not.

Will it be terrifying, and voice-taking? Yes. Yes it will.

Just like quitting smoking, will I have slip ups? Will you? Will I (or even you) take some moments to delve back into bad habits? Of course. We all have our setbacks.  All we can do is ...

Inhale. (And then hold.)

Exhale. (And then expel.)

Will I keep my “eye on the prize”? Yes.

The highs, and lows, of my life (and yours) I will embrace. Will I hug them to myself? Yes, yes I will. While I am clutching you to my chest, and telling you (me) it will alright, will I also be telling you (me) that you were (are) an ass?

Yes. I will do that too.

Will we laugh through this? Will I?

I think so …

No. I KNOW so.

Life isn’t truly black and white. It’s all variegated shades of grey.

Depending on your outlook, it is either black, or white. Sometimes it IS grey. But sometimes …

… sometimes …

… it takes a special person to see the color.

(Personally I will NOW, many years later, accept that small portion of colour. Embrace it. Live it. And even try to share it.

“Although I’ve mostly walked in the shadows; I’m still searching for the light” and the colour. Of red spice.

“I’ll reach inside and find and give you; All the sweetness that I have” …)

Jah know?

I think so … I hope so ...

No ... no, I KNOW so.