Ann Bancroft

Ann Bancroft
October 15
I've been a newspaper and wire service reporter, editorial writer, speech writer and communications director. Now I'm writing my own stuff, and have no bosses to blame. I write short fiction and essays about absurd stories I've read in the newspaper and things that rile, amuse or touch my heart.


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APRIL 27, 2011 3:51AM

Judgment Day -- What to Wear?

Rate: 9 Flag


It says so right there on the billboards.  These are Southern California freeway-priced billboards, so somebody’s paid some serious dough to get the message out:




May 21, 2011…  The Bible Guarantees It!

Now, there’s a slight chance that these billboards were bought by a bunch of Christian high school boys, all pitching in their allowances for a common purpose. My guess is that on Friday night, May 20, these boys will take a walk with their virginal girlfriends, someplace quiet and dark. Each boy will whisper urgently, “C’mon, baby, the world’s ending tomorrow! Didn’t you see the billboards?”

It had to have been the boys, don’t you think? But what if  it wasn’t the boys at all, but someone with the inside scoop -- the kind of scoop nobody in the history of the world has ever had?  If that’s the case, you can’t be too prepared.

Of course there’s no need to worry about life insurance, or getting the house cleaned or finishing that project at work. No worries about grocery shopping or paying your late taxes or buying anything for Father’s Day (sorry, dads).

Kinda liberating, isn’t it?  Except for one thing. What to wear.  Are you kidding me? Of course that’s something to be considered.  If you fear the ambulance may come when you put on torn underwear, don’t you think you ought to put a little consideration into what you put on for the End of the World? This is the greatest wardrobe dilemma of all time! I, for one, have been shopping my closet for weeks. 

Those black spiky heels are normally just too damned uncomfortable, but if I’m going to be damned anyway…?  No. Once you’ve committed to the shoes, the outfit has to complement and, please, there’s no way I’m wearing a business suit or a cocktail dress to this event. Work will be so over, and provocative probably isn’t appropriate. (Also, at my age “provocative” is something more along the lines of a hijab, and I’m guessing that would raise a whole host, so to speak, of other issues.)

You might say, “I came in naked, so that’s the way I’m going out.”  But have you considered we might have to wait in some kind of line?

Pajamas? Nice ones -- silk? Given the big sleep and all?  But, as I said, there could be a line.  Comfortable is probably good, but not sloppy, for heaven’s sake. Or too warm in case it’s, you know…not heaven.

Now I’m starting to think it’s not the outfit at all, but the color scheme that should drive this decision:

White – Signifying that I am pure, way down deep. Also, that I forgive everyone (that includes you, mean mom of my 8th grade boyfriend who said I was a slut when I wasn’t, even.)

Red – I’m guilty of other stuff, so everyone who agrees, forgive me.      Please?

Blue – This is all a little depressing, don’t you think?

Green – I loved those trees!

Yellow – Of course I’m afraid. It’s Judgment Day!

Black – Well, duh.

If we’re all going out together, though, maybe we should agree on a dress code. Something special, Auld Lang Syne-ish.  Shoot, now I’m back to the black spike heels.




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Let me think:
Cover all bases?
Rainbow tie-dye?

May twenty-first?
We have time
to shop sales.

Meet 4 lunch?
I heard everyone goes naked. Clothes will be found in piles all over the earth. I love to be naked so I think perhaps I have already risen.
Don't just decide what to wear, market clothing for the occasion in a hurry. If the occasion happens, you will have provided a service with the understanding that you wouldn't have time to reap the benefits of profiting, so you get extra brownie points. If not, you will have a financial leg-up on your future.
A friend of mine told me about this. I hadn't read it anywhere & now you have shown me the billboards. Maybe they'll just take the people who believe that crap. We'd certainly be better off. R
Very funny. I have a friend who may or may not actually believe that May 21 is the day and he INSISTS that May 21, 2011 is specifically mentioned in the Bible. I'm certainly no biblical scholar but I have my doubts. I'm most comfortable in jeans, a sweatshirt, and my slippers so that's the way I'm gonna go.
I'll see you all in line! Or wandering the ravaged earth, taking our pick from the BMWs and piles of designer clothing left behind by the most righteous.
Have the retailers even prepared for this sales event? Where are the ads? They're completely missing from my newspaper and TV ads.

My advice--I'm really serious--finally lose those 20 lbs. You may look stunning in the line wearing something trendy and slimming, but I bet Heaven has one of those naked airport screening devices. I mean, if you were going to Heaven, wouldn't you be tempted to smuggle something in, your iPhone or something? They know this. And if it's the other place, maybe a bottle of gin for gin and tonics. I hope they have limes.
Hmmm. If it's heaven, there may be a way to hide our Iphones in the wings, assuming you go through the wing distribution line before St. Peter's Patdown....
You suspect horny young men behind the billboard? A twisted guess, but based on experience, I'd say they'd be far more likely to invest that money on booze than on a billboard. Every horny young man knows "liquor is quicker".

And how could this be Fundie Christians, since the Good Book clearly states no man knows the hour? Maybe it's somebody tired of the Mayans getting all the pub. Or maybe it's another Goldman Sux short-selling scam.

Actually, it is the Fundie Christians -- I cheated and Googled Family Radio:

Seems the MLM religious hustlers are up to their usual bullshit, duping the dummies, fleecing the flock, shearing the sheep. Check that -- I'm being far too kind, apparently some of these idjits actually believe their own ignorant bullshit. So instead of feeding the poor -- as Jesus commanded -- their wasting scarce resources on big billboard buys:

Jesus wept.

One can't help but wonder what these ass-clowns will have to say come May 22, 2011. Whatever lie they come up with, it will have to be a whopper -- which, of course, will make it easier for the sheep to swallow. Can I get an amen?

As for the real Judgment Day, if and when it comes and whichever way I'm bound, all I wanna know is -- can I bring my guitar?
Tom, the Family Radio guy behind this (yeah, I knew it wasn't the boys all along) is pushing 90. He's already predicted Armageddon once and been wrong, but hey, there's probably money to be made here. Wonder if he's making the pitch to people to rid themselves of personal wealth (by sending it to him) before the Big Day comes? When May 22 rolls around he can either plead senility, keel over or live out the remainder of his days pretending he's the second coming.
I hope some unemployed people will profit selling T-shirts. Or Shrouds.
With heartfelt thanks to Tom, the Family Radio Guy, who inspired this absolutely wonderful sheer lunacy from you. (Whew, got my little comment in here just in time, just in case.)
With heartfelt thanks to Tom, the Family Radio Guy, who inspired this absolutely wonderful sheer lunacy from you. (Whew, got my little comment in here just in time, just in case.)
With heartfelt thanks to Tom, the Family Radio Guy, who inspired this absolutely wonderful sheer lunacy from you. (Whew, got my little comment in here just in time, just in case.)
With heartfelt thanks to Tom, the Family Radio Guy, who inspired this absolutely wonderful sheer lunacy from you. (Whew, got my little comment in here just in time, just in case.)
Damn -- I hate that -- I'm going to be out of town that day and miss the whole thing -- miss all you guys, have a great trip, maybe pack for the desert??
Very funny! All the rest of it is for those who like to spend they're time on these things, but your commentary is hilarious.