Ann Bancroft

Ann Bancroft
October 15
I've been a newspaper and wire service reporter, editorial writer, speech writer and communications director. Now I'm writing my own stuff, and have no bosses to blame. I write short fiction and essays about absurd stories I've read in the newspaper and things that rile, amuse or touch my heart.


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MARCH 31, 2011 3:13AM

She’s Ready for the Moment, Too

Rate: 10 Flag
Can’t wait till the FDA approves “female Viagra.”  Not for me! No, no, I just want to see the ads.

I’ve never been with a man who used Viagra or Cialis (have I?), but according to the incessant commercials, those drugs turn guys into insatiable studs for up to four hours.  Not only are they “ready when she’s ready,” they’re ready when she’s on a ladder trying to paint the kitchen ceiling, or stirring a pot of chili before getting the kids off to soccer practice.

Wouldn’t you really like to hear what the woman with the paint roller in her hand has to say to her husband who has just decided the “moment is right?” Right. She might not quite be in that same moment, but that’s probably because she’s got hypoactive sexual disorder. You know, can’t get into-it-itis. A libido so damaged it doesn’t even occur to her to hurl the paint roller onto the new couch, rip off her overalls and drag her husband down onto the drop cloth for  one orgasmic, latex semi-gloss love feast.

If there were only a pill for her like the one he has, well, hell, the house would never get painted at all, and who would care? When the couple wasn’t at it on the paint-splattered sofa, they’d be soaking in their his-and-hers claw footed porcelain tubs, out back in their very own meadow bursting with Spring.

Time was --oh so long ago -- that just one bathtub, without drugs, sufficed for coupled heaven. True, that scenario would be difficult to pull off in an ad, even on cable. Also, to anyone over 40 and above about 120 pounds it would look just…uncomfortable. I imagine that’s what they were thinking at the ad agency conference table when the guy with the sex-in-the-tub fantasy said, “I know! How about his-and-her bathtubs!” And so compelling was the vision with the tubs in the garden they lost the thought train on the sex part. Or perhaps they were trying to show that after a four-hour Viagra-thon most adults need a little space, and also probably their own washcloth.

At any rate, these TV ad fantasies are all about what happens when men get a little boost from a pill. What about women? What will the “Femagra” slogan be? “Sounds like a pesticide, works like a trip to Tahiti”? 

As for the ad, in order to level the playing field with Cialis, I’m going with the dishwasher scenario: She bends over to load it. He puts his dirty dishes in the sink and then exits the room, scratching himself.  Something just…je ne sais quoi about him padding off to watch ESPN (that combined with the arousing aroma of lemon-scented Electrosol) ….is that a moment, or what?

With the help of “female Viagra” these moments will strike over and over, like a Tim Lincecum no-hitter, so as an alternative ad I propose the Costco Parking Lot Moment.

The couple has stacked onto a rolling pallet 40 rolls of toilet paper, a case of wine, four-packs of spaghetti sauce and assorted cereals, office supplies and look! These designer jeans for only thirteen bucks!

They lift the trunk of the SUV. She bends over, hoists the toilet paper in. He brushes across her chest while loading the spaghetti sauce. The asphalt is sizzling and beads of perspiration form above their lips. By the time they roll out of the lot they can barely contain themselves. Forty years of marriage, but these two are hot. And they have meds. 

The SUV pulls onto the freeway but before the first exit –a frontage road -- the camera pans in on the gas gauge: empty.  Thank heavens for $4.50-a-gallon gas, because now they must pull over on this road. The car sputters to a stop beside a vast field of wildflowers. Far off on the horizon, all by themselves, sit two bathtubs. Just waiting for the moment to be fulfilled.

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Tampax, Maxi Pads, Viagra & shots for STDs --- This is one of those ----- "When I was your age we didn't have......." moments
Regardless of what anyone thinks of drugs for "erectile dysfunction" for men, at least erections and ejaculations can be quantified. Sexual satisfaction for women is much harder to measure.

Anyone who is not complete dunderhead knows that a woman's sexual satisfaction is much more closely tied in to her satisfaction with the relationship as a whole, than is a man's. The whole idea of "viagra for women" is just another example of the drug industry's usual M.O. of inventing needs for its products, rather than inventing products that fill actual needs.
Yes, that's why this is satire :) Truly knowing and truly being known = best aphrodisiac. Requires emotional bravery, and does not come in pill form.
Love it - well done, very well done. For this I hope you win your very own his and hers claw-footed porcelain bathtubs, on the beach of your choosing. The femagra, however, you must wait for. The world is simply not ready.
YOW! Tasty piece of writing!
I wish I owned the rights to Janis Joplin's "Get it While You Can" (I can hear it already)
Read, rated, now commenting, and still laughing.
humans are malleable, and young women have grown up in a society where casual sex is ok. they may need and appreciate femalis in a few years time.