Who was it who taught you to dance your dance of joy?

So happy and excited, always you made us smile. 

Always wanting to be close, closer, closer still, 

You danced your dance into all of our hearts.

*****

I sent a question to a friend:

If I lose her, can you come, are you near?  

How to ask.  How to hear.

Moments later, I heard his yes.

*****

My little lovely aging one, my seventeen year old little bit of Lhasa, little bit of God knows what, seems to be drifting away.  I watch as her world comes closer to her.  She needs my hands to bring her near, to lift her or to lay her down.  How few days ago, she was eating as she hadn’t eaten in such a while.

Suddenly food does not call her name.  Little tiny meatballs, I learned to make for her, only Thursday roused a dance.  Little bits of chicken now cause her nose to lift and eyes to look for what is there.  Then she can not keep it down.

Having heard from my kitty man that he is near,  I breathe a bit.  If I lose her, he will come and break the ground.

For now I wait and watch and let my little lovely aging one know that she is not alone.

Maybe I am wrong and it is just one more rough patch.  Just now I catch her eye.  It is clear and she knows I am here.  I am not going anywhere. 

*****

Saturday to Sunday morning she has slept calmly snuggled up to me most of the night.  

Sunday is a long, long day.  I don’t want to leave her side.  Please will you eat?  Please will you drink?  Nothing is staying inside.  I know where we are.  I can’t give her her pills.  I don’t want to put her through any more tests.  

Sunday to Monday morning, only bits and bits of sleep.  Always struggling to get up, moving to the edge of my bed.  Sometimes I bring her to her water bowl.  Sometimes I bring her back to me.  She lies back beside me and for little bits more, she sleeps.

By morning, though, I can not help her drink.  I bring her to water she sought herself only hours ago.  Her drifting has moved on.  At 0300 when I am sitting up with tea, she settles down beside me and drifts into a peaceful sleep.

This Little Bit has been so many parts of my life.  I do not want this call but it may be mine to make.  She has given joy all her life.  When her all is all, may I help her find her peace.

*****

Why is it that when the heart is full to bursting, words do not, will not, can not come?

*****

A long weekend watching and waiting and loving my lovely.  “Let her tell you”, my kitty man said.  

Yesterday, Monday, I took her outside to all she knew there for her to sniff and breathe once more.  I held her for the longest time and rocked her on the swing.  My head understood what my heart could not hear.  

*****

I held her and rocked her and sang to her and talked to her until her little heart beat no more.   

*****

Yesterday, my kitty man’s wife held me as I held my little dog.  Late in the afternoon when my little lovely had gone, he came and made the grave.  She rests there now in the space she loved.  This heart that loved her squeezes and aches even as it knows that had there been no love, there would be no ache.

This grief is raw and everywhere.  She has been so much of my life.  Better to feel grief than to lock it away.  Better to feel grief that love may find its way home.

Had there been no love, there would be no ache.

I am holding you in my arms and we are rocking in the swing.  The sun is shining and the birds are singing.  I am holding you in my arms and we are rocking in the swing.  Thank you for all you have given me.  I love you so.  I love you so.  I am holding you.  I am holding you.

*****

Who was it who taught you to dance your dance of joy?

So happy and excited, always you made us smile. 

Always wanting to be close, closer, closer still, 

You danced your dance into all of our hearts.

Who was it who taught you to dance your dance of joy?