In the my family, we like to rush to the doctor 24 hours before we leave for terra incognita and hope the antibiotics we're traveling with keep the kids alive until we get home. We packed the kids into the backseat with the Shut-up Box (DVD player and 6 dozen Barbie movies), a… Read full post »

On the Big One's 7th birthday, she became a woman. Well, sort of. See, she'd never had a male Barbie before, and she'd been talking about it for months. Before Ken arrived, all male parts of her elaborate plays had to be acted out by a vaguely humanoid stuffed green superhero… Read full post »

I'm just going to come clean right away and tell you: this is one of those posts that my kid is going to hate me for in no more than two years. I guarantee that by the time you get to the bottom of this, you'll feel like I do. Embarrassment… Read full post »

So if I had to paint a picture of me right this second, I would paint a picture of myself laying on the ground wrapped in a parachute (see this) in intense mother-fucking pain, but all in all good, seeing as how I could be flat and dead in the middle… Read full post »

There was just one rule I gave myself before I went: no lying. Of course, disguising my normal appearance in any way counts as lying. So I just wore what I had on that morning, which could count as some kind of liberal uniform: ancient Chuck Taylors, a head wrap made… Read full post »

Here's what I imagine the first day of school was like for my oldest child, who is now a seasoned first grader. She arrives at her new school and into a class of 20 children. The teacher has no aides or help of any kind. Five of the children speak little… Read full post »

Undercover Boss is a hour of feel-good TV in which top executives of some of the most well-known companies in the country "go undercover," working in the trenches at entry-level jobs in an effort to improve the way the company does business. In the process, they get a taste of what it's… Read full post »

You were two years behind me in high school, and any romantic involvement with you was social suicide. Still.

You had the lightest blond hair and that olive complexion that didn't quite go with those very light blue eyes, and that was what made you so unbelievably good looking. Not that… Read full post »

You don't really need a car to live your life out in Washington, DC. My friend, Julie, lived in an apartment building on 16th and Massachusetts. It was close to the Safeway on 17th and just a few blocks from our office. She didn't need a car. I did. I moved… Read full post »

This week's task is only one of the most important tasks of my middle age. It has taken me the better part of a year to complete, and, as the final step, it only requires that I print out five documents.

But because of you, piece of shit, worthless, and mean-spirited… Read full post »

My house is filled with motion detector alarms and trip-wires, in case the power goes out. In case those fail, the Tivo is Kid Zone protected, and because The Big One still can't remember our house number, she will never unlock the TV to a world of The Mighty Boosh, Family… Read full post »

This post is a little premature seeing as we have a whole other 48 hours to get through before the holiday actually hits. But as the tally of my failures grows, I feel the need to get some things off my chest.

1. Friends and relations: From I'd say Thanksgiving until… Read full post »

Being the age that I am, I figured I had pretty much figured my natural tendency to overcommit. But then I had some sudden urge to follow my dreams instead of sitting here all the time complaining that I live in Palin nation, and I'll never get anywhere in life. Oh,… Read full post »

 Most of us know Gandhi as an extremely effective user of non-violent protest to effect change. Massive change:  life-changing for millions of people in South Africa, India, and beyond. We need a Gandhi now, but we don't have one. What we do have is the Gandhi toolbox.

Ahimsa… Read full post »

The binky in my three-and-a-half year old's mouth drove AngryHusband to distraction. We had a stark difference of opinion on this subject. If there is a tool out there that a) keeps a child asleep and b) keeps their mouth shut when the evil just has to come out of it,… Read full post »

Dear MoveOn:

I'd love to write a letter to the editor about health care reform to our  local newspaper, even though it will be lonely in that section, what with all the hysterical conservative screamers that write in. I'd love to do that, except I'm all booked up fretting about my… Read full post »

The chirping noise was coming from Girl's mouth. Girl is my neighbor's completely likeable dog. Her tail is wagging because she really, really likes me. I bring her food and pet her and talk to her in a voice so high it breaks glass, and she likes all of those things. She… Read full post »

When I start out a post, "I love books." I know exactly what is happening in your brain. You picture a leather chair, a wool throw, a roaring fire, and the type of person who likes the Sunday Times Crossword. You smell the library and maybe picture me reading Aristotle or… Read full post »

The journey of three thousand miles begins with two trips to the emergency room.

See, we were flying from Sacramento to Baltimore on Tuesday. On Saturday, the entire family was shopping in an outlet mall--something we do maybe once a year--when the Little One started looking a little green. If… Read full post »

Back in April, after months of problems with severe anemia, an ultrasound technician finally located an actual medical problem. There was a growth that was not a baby in my uterus. Mind you, this was on April 30.

On April 30, I was still a young girl of 40, naive… Read full post »

Lately when I try to sit down to write, I have to just sit, sit, sit, as if my head is a concrete room filled with bouncing ping pong balls, and I have to wait for everything to quiet down in there so I can just focus.

I actually like ping… Read full post »

Science has wrestled with the subject of animal intelligence for hundreds of years. I can see why. Just when you think you see a glimmer of smarts behind a pair of puppy dog eyes, you face incontrovertible evidence that, compared to a bag of rocks, your dog is firmly in second place. And… Read full post »

The most powerful drive we have as humans is the need to say, "I TOLD YOU SO." I've scientifically proven this, as of about 7:16 am Pacific.

Timeline:

6:30 am: Both children have somehow ended up in bed with us. The Little One wakes me up by smearing her face… Read full post »

Today is the first day of the Big One's summer vacation, and because of the many trips we are taking, and opportunities for camps, swimming lessons, and the general question mark surrounding my health, I made an executive decision not to place the Big One into day care.

I pictured… Read full post »

You can't have cable TV or elementary school children in the immediate vicinity and not know what KidzBop is, but just in case you live in some fairytale place where forest animals help you with housework and little men take you in without expecting anything more than a kiss on the… Read full post »