By ANDREA HIGBIE
Poor Aviva. It's the party for her fifth anniversary (not with her prosthetic leg, but with her husband), and she falls down some steps, reads an awful poem to her husband and, later, the fire alarm goes off.
The party's in the Empire Room, at the Empire State Building (bottom floor, not top, God forbid, knock wood), so this could be big trouble.
At least for Aviva Drescher.
"Oh, my God!" she said last night on "The Real Housewives of New York." "The Empire State Building is in flames, and we're all gonna die of smoke inhalation! I'm looking around for the nearest exists, and Sonja is talking about a firemen's party.
"No one seems to be really concerned."
Only Aviva is concerned, but that's Aviva, Woman of a Million Fears and Phobias.
Everything turned out fine, fine, fine (except the party itself, which, as that mean, shark-smiling Heather Thomson pointed out was "not what I expected").
My own fear, unfortunately, was realized: Ramona Singer was still carrying on about Heather not inviting her to go to London with everyone else.
The three-day trip was now, at long last, over, but Ramona's resentment was not.
At the party, Ramona tried and tried to fight with Heather, but Heather was having none of it.
Or, not exactly none of it, as she chased Ramona around the room, pushing her buttons, but little of it, and that was not enough for Ramona.
"You lied to me!" Ramona accused.
Heather said, "Bring it!" (Holla!)
Ramona played the elegant lady card: "What are we, living on 150th Street, now?"
Even that wasn't enough.
"When I say Heather is a fake, I mean that it's unnatural," Ramona said. "She acts unnatural."
Sonja Morgan stepped right up. "If I had a bag of popcorn, I would say, 'Ladies, rev your engines, because Ramona's about to roar!'"
The party was her first Sonja in the City gig, and it did not bode well for any to follow. It was not the glamorous affair it was supposed to be, as Heather was quick to note. Little food, no forks, horrible entertainment with an off-key singer and her two dancers.
To the horrible entertainment problem, we can add Aviva's poem to her husband, Reid.
"There's no one more gorgeouser or more charming than Reid," Aviva read out loud, managing to remain upright. "When I first saw his hotness, I felt my strong need." It goes on, but there's no need for us to.
The trip to Merry Olde England finished up last night with the battle royale continuing between the Countess and the Princess.
"She's the one-upper," Princess Carole Radziwill said. "She will match you, whatever you're saying, and raise you one crazy thing."
Carole wrote a bestseller a few years ago about losing her husband to cancer; more recently, the Countess wrote "Class With the Countess." Carole's mother had five children; the Countess said her own mother had seven.
"The Countess seems to be wearing on the Princess," Heather said.
Sonja, her mind on men, always, organized a game of croquet, which, balls to the wall, Carole won.
And then it was back to New York, back to gathering the troops, lining up the allies.
At Aviva's party, Ramona rushed up to the Countess, her enemy. And not to scream at her.
"It was really nice to see Ramona so happy to see me," the Countess said.
But at the end, the Countess could not be won over. After Ramona and Heather's final fight of the night, the Countess sidled up to Heather.
"I'm on your team, for sure," the Countess said. "You're dealing with the Ramonacoaster."
Next week, in Episode 8, the Dreschers welcome the Singers and Sonja to Miami, where Sonja is introduced to Aviva's father, who's a sex addict. Perfect! And Ramona wants you all to know this: Heather was NOT invited.
From left, the Countess, Sonja Morgan, Princess Carole Radziwill and Heather Thomson, in London.