Yes, it's true: I'm the biggest loser in the world. And I do not say that in the pseudo-self-deprecating way most people do. But there's also more to the story than that.
When I was in high school the youth group at my church held a haunted house in the basement. I was a part of that but I thought it was pretty lame and boring. I had some sort of mask on I don't remember exactly what. Anyway, to spice things up - and being the little bastard that I am - I came up with the idea of me standing just around the corner of one of our ghastly exhibits.
Once our visitors were duly distracted, I'd jump around the corner and scream. This actually startled a few people, much to my gratification. Others were immune and we'd get into these funny conversations. And with my mask on I was free, a different person - sort of like being online. It was great - but also dangerous.
I was on a roll and this cute, popular girl who attended our church was really getting a kick out of me. Finally she has to know: "Who are you!?" At which point I took off my mask and she was duly crushed. That's when she literally said, "Oh, it's you..." And that nightmare pretty much sums up the rest of my life.
For a few moments there I had stolen that girl's admiration. I was somebody - maybe even me. Now here I am stuck in this same situation all over again online where I can hide and steal - and be trapped in hell. If I say I'm shit they tell me I'm great. If I say I'm great they tell me I'm shit. There's just no getting through to anybody.
That process has been repeated over and over again in my life whenever I can hide: of attraction and repulsion. I want to leave this online life but I cannot. I want to unmask myself but I cannot. I'm stuck in the vortex where the only way I can be someone's friend is to not be their friend. Yes, I do literally pray for death.
One could say I've had online "success". But it's like I explained before (but no one listened): "It's not me they love, it's the act."