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JANUARY 27, 2011 7:30AM

"Oh, it's you..."

Rate: 4 Flag

loser sign 

Yes, it's true: I'm the biggest loser in the world. And I do not say that in the pseudo-self-deprecating way most people do. But there's also more to the story than that.

When I was in high school the youth group at my church held a haunted house in the basement. I was a part of that but I thought it was pretty lame and boring. I had some sort of mask on I don't remember exactly what. Anyway, to spice things up - and being the little bastard that I am - I came up with the idea of me standing just around the corner of one of our ghastly exhibits.

Once our visitors were duly distracted, I'd jump around the corner and scream. This actually startled a few people, much to my gratification. Others were immune and we'd get into these funny conversations. And with my mask on I was free, a different person - sort of like being online. It was great - but also dangerous.

far away 

I was on a roll and this cute, popular girl who attended our church was really getting a kick out of me. Finally she has to know: "Who are you!?" At which point I took off my mask and she was duly crushed. That's when she literally said, "Oh, it's you..." And that nightmare pretty much sums up the rest of my life.

For a few moments there I had stolen that girl's admiration. I was somebody - maybe even me. Now here I am stuck in this same situation all over again online where I can hide and steal - and be trapped in hell. If I say I'm shit they tell me I'm great. If I say I'm great they tell me I'm shit. There's just no getting through to anybody.

That process has been repeated over and over again in my life whenever I can hide: of attraction and repulsion. I want to leave this online life but I cannot. I want to unmask myself but I cannot. I'm stuck in the vortex where the only way I can be someone's friend is to not be their friend. Yes, I do literally pray for death.

One could say I've had online "success". But it's like I explained before (but no one listened): "It's not me they love, it's the act." 

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The only safe place left is in my head.
You've been faved and rated for your avatar and name alone, but your writing's good too!
Well hopefully you're not having to take that figure (in your pic) on tour like John Cleese is to pay his alimony?
I'm English and that's my excuse for being a raving loony.
I have this theory. This theory that the fact that your own acute self awareness exists at all is proof that you aren't half the loser you imagine yourself to be.

This is what I tell myself as I go to sleep. Whatever works, yanno?
There's only one cure for loneliness. Thanks for the thought though.
I like you, even though I don't think you care, but you made me laugh, with you and at you. I'll add you even though part of me is afraid you'll insult me at some point. But it's only online afterall, right? lol
Thanks, dragon! But remember: I can't insult you if you insult you first!

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