For those in my gay community whining about all the good Sally Ride could have done had she only “come out;” I say – Get over yourself.
For most gays and lesbians the hardest thing we will ever do in our lives is “come out.” It’s personal, and absolutely no one can dictate to you the time, day, or moment you have to come out. It’s a scary straight world, full of hate, anger, bigotry, ignorance, and people who want to do nothing more than make a mockery of your life. It took me 50 years to find the strength and courage, so I totally understand my brothers and sisters who can’t find the strength and courage to step out from behind the curtain. It doesn’t mean their lives don’t matter, and it doesn’t mean we don’t support them in every way possible.
It’s not like she was hiding who she was or living in the closet. She was with her partner for 27 years, I don’t know about you, but I’d call that a committed relationship. Her family was obviously well aware of her orientation, and quite supportive of her and her partner. Why do you think she owed you any explanation about her life?
Could she have made a difference had she come out and been an advocate for the gay community? Perhaps, but why is it you think she owed anything to the gay community? Perhaps she didn’t want to be exploited as the “First Lesbian Astronaut,” and we all know that is exactly what would have happened. From all accounts, she was intensely private, and intensely private is not always something the gay community understands. We sometimes expect our famous gay and lesbian brothers and sisters to carry our banner to every corner of the world, shouting how we deserve and demand equal rights, when the reality is that they are simply trying to live a gay life in a straight world just as you and I are. I don’t believe we have the right to ask or demand that of anyone.
She only could have made a huge difference if she would have been comfortable being the mouthpiece for the LGBT community. It’s hard enough sometimes to accept who you are without having to do it on a stage with millions of people scrutinizing every little thing you say and every little movement you make. I don’t blame people for not wanting to come out – I wouldn’t want to be placed in that position, or held up to a certain standard that no matter what would never please everyone. And let’s be honest – people can be brutal in their assessment of who they think you should be.
The truth of the matter is – being gay is not a choice we make, it’s simply who we are. I would think that those of us who have been through, and continue to go through, the ups and downs of being out in a straight world would be a little more understanding. However, society, especially various portions of the religious part of it, doesn’t seem to want to accept that, so they have labels they place on everything and everyone to keep us all separate from one another. They simply cannot allow that we are all Americans. We must be African-American, Mexican-American, Gay-American, Muslim-Americans, Jewish-Americans, Japanese-Americans, you fill-in-the-blank-Americans. Anything to keep us divided and keeps us in our place as “the other.”
Sally Ride lived a life of quiet dignity. She did more to help young women find self-esteem, and believe in themselves that most of us will ever imagine doing in our lifetime. Have we stopped to consider that had she “come out” she may not have had that chance to teach and touch so many lives? She would have been considered as one the ‘the other’ and certainly the money and the chances would not have been so forthcoming for her. Why can’t we let her have her life of quiet dignity? Why can’t we just honor her for who she was and what she gave the world?
Instead of whining about Sally Ride, why don’t you go out in the world and make a difference? If you can change just one heart and one mind, you have changed the world just a little. Write, talk, vote… Don’t expect someone to do it for you – go out and make the change you want to see…
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It was a career killer.
I raised a powerful young woman, and her friends were "allowed" to come over, but it wasn't until their late teens that they could spend the night. This after knowing me and my partner for over 10 years.
My daughter was invited to a sleep over when she was 8. It was a birthday party and then sleep over. After the party part, I was asked to come and get my child. The mother explained "Oh we thought you knew Devon wouldn't be spending the night. It is you have have made that choice for her"
WHAT???
That is what Sally would have faced.
I am going to get flack from this, but truthfully, yesterday I read the piece on her and looked at her and thought out loud, wow a gay woman going into space that many years ago.
The people around me asked how I knew she was gay. So I went to look on the net and sure enough there it was, Thankl God! Because my only explaination is she looks gay, and she looks like my ex-partner.
And I agree that this was great.
I think that we of the gay and lesbian community need to examine ourselves closely for heterosexist beliefs that we have internalized. I mean, we don't expect heterosexual couples to keep their relationships hush-hush out of "quiet dignity," do we?
Anyway, I give Sally Ride a pass because she was born in 1951 and her career peaked in the homophobic 1980s (Ronald Reagan, AIDS hysteria, etc.).
And you are correct, of course, that it is up to the individual to decide whether or not to come out, since it is the individual who will have to deal with the consequences of that.
For anyone who is in the limelight to stay in the closet today, though -- that, to me, pretty much is a crime.
To stay in the closet when one could be out is to reinforce homophobia.
It's a shitty job, but we gay men and lesbians DO have the responsibility of helping to change the world, to help make things better for others today and tomorrow.
"Quiet dignity" -- or fear-based selfishness?
It was never an issue of her hiding her life, it was just a matter of her not making it a topic of discussion. She found her life love just 2 years after her first flight in space. She was an important part of the Challenger investigation and a huge influence on girls interested in science, all while being openly gay but not PUBLICLY gay....there is a difference and I appreciate you recognizing it.
I don't actually spend much of my day saying "oh, by the way, I'm straight" so I sort of wonder why it's assumed that gay people will just broadcast that they are gay.
Is every gay person who makes a significant public achievement such as being the first woman in space, being a Nobel Laureate or winning an Olympic medal REQUIRED to also be a public spokesperson even if every other aspect of their personality would turn that prospect into a terrible burden? I don't think so, myself. There are less public ways to still be a force for good in the world.
rated
Rated.
@ Walter – Yes, that is what it’s all about! Thanks for reading and for the comment
@ Dianne – I’m proud of you for standing your ground – I’m sorry people still don’t understand. Thanks for reading and for the comment.
@ SpiritManSF – Turn, turn, turn indeed! Thanks so much…
@ nerd cred – Thanks so much – for reading and for the comment
@ sweetfeet – I admire her also – Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
@ Oryoki – This is indeed a different generation. Thanks for reading and for the comment.
@ Kirk – I think if you asked the girls she inspired you might get a different sense of her power. She didn’t really owe any of us a thing… Thanks for reading…
@ Kevin – Thank you for reading and for the comment.
@ Bernadine – …”We will be an inclusive society when there is no gay marriage only marriage. We will be an inclusive society when gay celebrities are just celebrities…” Exactly.! Thanks so much for reading and for the comment.
@ Lynette – Thanks so much – for reading and taking the time to comment
@ Ellen – I love you back.! Thanks for always reading and always taking the time to comment.
@ Shiral - “There are less public ways to still be a force for good in the world.” - this is my point exactly! Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment..
@ libby – I wonder the same thing.. thanks so much for reading and for taking the time to comment.
@ Jonathan - ♥♥ Thanks so much..
@ Chicken – Thanks so much…
@ Tg – Thank you – for reading and for taking the time to comment.
@ Sophieh – Thanks so much.
@ jlsathre – Exactly – It was her life – it didn’t belong to the gay community… Thanks for reading and for the comment.
What I’m saying is – you don’t have the right to expect people to come out, for not everyone has the courage or the support to do so. I certainly didn’t, and I don’t believe I should be berated for not having that courage.
You can be disappointed, and you can not like their choices, I just don’t believe you have the right to demand that every celebrity or every gay, lesbian and transgendered person must come out and fight for the cause. Not all of us have that sort of courage and strength. That’s when it falls on the rest of the community to be there.
People will assume whatever they want whether we are out or not. Politicians will be hypocritical no matter what, and Evangelical Christians will fight against us – no matter what.
I don’t believe you have to come out in a public way to change the world. I believe you can do that by living your life quietly being out and showing friends and neighbors and co-workers that we’re just normal people trying to make our way in the world. If you change one heart and mind you have changed the world, and we can each do that in our own way – on our own terms.
We want the same thing – you and I – we just see it through different eyes. I’m uncomfortable with the shouting and demanding aspect of it – I’m more a throw a block party and have the neighbors see a happy, committed Lesbian couple quietly living their lives out and proud. I know for a fact that Susan and I have changed hearts and minds, and isn’t that really what it’s all about?
Critics, not so much.
they can't come out at all over there, though
@ Baltimore oreo – You are right about the Russian women being first in space and not being able to come out. The United States lagged in the women in space thing…! Thanks for reading and for the comment.
Sally Ride was a heroine and role model for all women and girls. I don't want her accomplishments to be so wrapped up in her sexual orientation that she is not recognized for making progress for all of us.
Thank you for writing it.
Rated!!!!!!
Andrea
Meaning, and I hesitate here as how does one say this correctly?
...how many possibly closed minds might be learning now that this woman was a lesbian -- she wasn't political, she didn't wave a banner or lead parades, she just achieved success and lived a good life -- and are also learning by her example that many in the LGBT community don't care if the community at large knows their sexuality, many choose to live quietly without loudspeakers, many are not in parades or are political or are strident.
Just like many in every other group.
I think her example is there in her own way.
Just like Christians, Whites, Republicans, Muslims, Southerners, Asians, Singers, Pick-A-Group-Title, not all in the LGBT community are the same.
I hate to say, but I know there are some in the straight community whose biggest issue with the "gay movement" IS the loudness, IS the in-your-face attitude, IS the political earnestness, more than it is with their sexuality in general -- there are many who assume that that is what it means to be gay, not realizing how large a segment is gay yet isn't interested in loud or political.
I fully support it all, as in-your-face has a necessary point, has been crucial in certain times, will be crucial in the future,but....
What seems to be lost among certain segments of straights, some I've met, is there is diversity in the LGT community too -- I've met, and heard of, those who don't get that not every gay person is loud, is political, is extroverted, for that matter. I've been in arguments with some of those straight folks, they really think all gay men like to flamenco and wear makeup and stilettos, that all lesbians wear toolbelts as much as possible and have short grey hair and glasses, that all LGBTs are strident and pissed off.
Ai yi yi !!!
I personally think Sally Ride had just as important and valuable a statement to make too, one made just by living privately the way she chose rather than stating it loudly to all.
"Straight people don't have to announce their sexuality because it is assumed that everything is straight until proven otherwise. "
There are plenty who assume someone else is gay until proven otherwise as well...
Every straight person I know assumed Jody Foster, Lily Tomlin and Anderson Cooper, Rock Hudson and Rachel Maddow, for that matter, were gay, way before the "proof."
-- just the more famous examples.
My comment about "loud and in your face" :
I was meaning to refer to the positive influence that a more quiet choice of lifestyle in the gay community can also have, such as Sally Ride's, in bringing about change in the general society of ours.
It just is a fact that we humans respond differently, and I feel, actually I know that, some straight people I know have come around to supporting equal rights for the gay community through appreciation of those more quiet examples of lifestyle in the gay community while they were more adamantly against the gay lifestyle when they falsely assumed that loud-and-in-your-face *was* the only type that is gay.
This discussion has occurred in the environmental movement too -- some will be loud and in-your-face, and just as rightly so as being an in-your-face activist is in the gay community.
Many that you are trying to reach, many that environmentalists are trying to reach, just will not respond positively to that method of activism.
I only meant to say I think that positive influence can be extended farther when a group is seen to be diverse itself, as the gay community is -- who knows who came around to supporting gay rights because "that amazing Sally Ride achieved so much and she just quietly lived her life the way she wanted -- I admire that, maybe I need to consider that not all gays are marching in the streets. Those types I don't like and I won't support anything those flashy protesters do."
I somewhat cringe in inventing that person's thoughts, but those people are out there -- I've met many -- and they damn well fought against the gay pride movement when they thought it was all single men marching in the streets.
I began to type further about my own background, but I think it is its own post instead -- suffice to say here, my sister was an activist-oriented lesbian in the 70s in Atlanta, Georgia.
I adore her.
I get the intensity.
It's your frickin' Life on the line.
I get it.
I never meant to suggest that in-your-face is wrong, it's how necessary change begins, in many ways, and it was and is necessary.
I truly do not think it is the *only* way to get the positive message out at this point, that's all. That's why I think Sally Ride's life is a valuable contribution to gay rights too, just the way she lived it.
As for Lily Tomlin, I had that very argument in the late 70s -- with my sister. I was *convinced* Ms. Tomlin must be gay (my sister loved to peg who was famous and who was secretly gay in those days, so I loved to do the same thing) but my sister didn't think so...at first.
I used to tease her that my 'gaydar' was better than hers, although at the time, gaydar wasn't the word used...
I just want the conversation to keep happening, so I willingly blundered into making the first comment to make this point from a straight person who supports gay rights with a vehemence -- and has seen too much suffering and discrimination too, including 'good' families disowning their children, even, in some cases, their dying grown children.
Hideous!
As you know.
The only reason I brought in environmental groups into the second comment is the intensity with which many feel in-your-face activism is the only way to save the planet from certain destruction, while others feel that very method has turned too many away from the environmental cause and inadvertently made it worse-- that a diversity of approach with their activism is more broad and successful.
These people, whatever the method they believe in, feel their life, all our lives, are on the line too, albeit differently, so I included them into the comment.