An open list of demands to my neighbors:

1. Your patio/porch/balcony is not a private place from which to make phone calls. We can hear you, and it's really annoying.

2. Take your clothes out of the washing machine/dryer within five minutes of the cycle completing. And clean the freaking lint trap – I pulled a toenail out of there once for crying out loud.

3. The hallway is not your foyer; please do not store your bikes, strollers, lawn gnomes, stinky trash, gym clothes, sports equipment, shoes, boots, and/or sandals in it. It is also not an appropriate place for long conversations, for your children to play in, or for making/receiving phone calls (please see: point #1).

4. When you're cooking and you burn some food, do not open the door to your unit in an attempt to clear out the smoke. This will set off the building-wide alarm and the fire department will be along shortly. It's really annoying for a lot of people.

5. If you get a dog, take the fuck care of it. If you are unable to do so, don't get the fucking dog.

6. If you're looking for your son/daughter, please do not open your door and yell, “________, what the Christ ahh yah doin'!!!!”

7. To the condo association: don't treat the tenants/owners like children. We hate your newsletters and your clip art. Stop complaining that we throw away too much trash – do you really think someone who lives here threw that front door away last month? Additionally, don't threaten to tow my car every time it snows. I will clean it off, but I won't have it cleaned and moved by 6am; get over it.

That is all for now. Thank you.