There were several reasons why attending my boyfriend’s cousin Cyril’s* wedding wasn’t going to be easy. There was the problem of getting there (like many French weddings, it was held in one of the future spouse’s native villages, far from any kind of public transport, making it difficult for those of us who don't drive). There was the fact that, due to some family feuding, Cyril hadn’t invited my boyfriend’s mother and father (his aunt and uncle). And there was the religious part.
A few years ago, when we’d learned that the kind, sensitive Cyril was coming to Paris for work, we were thrilled. But it turned out to be a nightmare. Cyril couldn’t bear to be alone. Though he had a full-time job that kept him busy, and though he lived with his best friend, if he had a day off or his friend was working late, Cyril fled solitude, most often fleeing towards me and the boyfriend. Weeknights, when we were tired after a long day at work, or busy with other things, we’d often find ourselves feeling guilty about not hanging out with him. Weekends, though, were the worst. Though we were certainly happy to spend time with him now and then, Cyril expected us to constantly be with him. Life became a never-ending rhythm of seeing Cyril and making excuses (some real, some exaggerated or downright made-up when we needed time on our own) for why we couldn’t.
When we returned from a three-week trip to the U.S., I figured it would all start again. But the days went by without a word from Cyril. I have to admit, we savored the new silence. When we finally did talk, we found out that he’d met a girl. We soon learned something else: while we’d been away, he’d gotten involved in an evangelical church.
As the months went by, we began to notice that Cyril was becoming more conservative, and speaking more and more about his beliefs. During a recent gathering at his best friend and former roommate’s house, the latter took my boyfriend aside and said he was worried. Cyril soon hopes, apparently, to become a part-time preacher of sorts.
Part of his friend’s worry was based on knowing Cyril from an early age, and, I guess, not feeling like this was the same person. Another part of it was cultural. In France, your religious beliefs are generally kept private. There was also the element of the unknown: While there’s a lot of religious diversity here, there isn’t the wide variety of fringe Protestant groups like in the States. But in recent years, more and more organizations resembling what we’d call super churches in the U.S. have started to show up. Cyril’s church seems to be one of these.
Last year, Cyril and his fiancée had a small engagement party. When we arrived, we were told that their pastor was going to speak and then have an interactive discussion with all of us about love and being in a committed relationship. I wasn’t crazy about the idea, but it didn’t turn out to be offensive, although the boyfriend and I both left feeling that this sect, like many others, didn’t consider women and men to be equal. We were worried about Cyril’s fiancée. Though Cyril is a kindhearted, gentle soul, he’s a strong believer in whatever his pastor says; marriage would mean this woman (who’s also heavily involved in the church) giving up her independence. In addition to those concerns, we weren’t optimistic about the true extent of the church's authority in the lives of its congregation members. (I don’t know, for example, if it was Cyril and his fiancée’s choice to give the pastor and his wife places of honor beside them at dinner, and relegate Cyril’s parents to a far end of the table.)
The pastor had been invited to the wedding, where he was treated like a star. Just like his discourse at the engagement party, the wedding ceremony and his sermon weren't offensive or shocking. The one thing that did surprise me, though, was that throughout the night, references were regularly made to God and Jesus. This isn’t normally done after the religious ceremony at French weddings, and it could have made some people feel uncomfortable. Though I’m a Christian, I have to admit it had that effect on me. Part of it was the thought that this wasn’t a church gathering, and some guests could have different beliefs. Why throw your own in their faces all night? But there was more to it. I tried to work out my feelings. I guess, ultimately, that for me, the way you feel about whatever higher power(s) you believe in (or not), is sacred. Speaking about it in such a constant, showy way seems to cheapen it. I had to remind myself that this isn’t the case for everyone, though, and that there’s nothing wrong with expressing yourself, especially at a private wedding where it seemed to be encouraged by the bride and groom.
I thought back to something that had happened earlier that evening. During the pastor’s sermon, I’d had a small sort of epiphany. I’d been standing in the doorway of the packed room, politely listening, when something on the outdoor buffet table caught my eye. A wasp had flown into a half-empty bottle of wine and seemed to be struggling to get out. Tentatively, I walked over to the table, picked up the bottle, and poured it out, setting the wasp free. When I looked up from the wet grass, the other guests near the door were staring at me. “A wasp was drowning,” I explained. That didn’t seem to clear things up. I hesitated, feeling that I should explain how I believe all life is sacred, and every living thing is worth saving. But I realized that for most people, there’s no good reason to save a wasp, and certainly no excuse to willingly spill a bunch of wine all over someone’s lawn. In that moment, I understood how someone like Cyril might feel. He spoke about his convictions; I’d just expressed mine by my actions. Most people would probably judge us as crazy or extreme, but our faith told us what we needed to do, and put us above fear of mockery or upset.
While I’ll probably never approve of constantly expressing your religious beliefs in front of people whose own beliefs and morals you may not know, I do understand a little better now why people sometimes do this. The next time Cyril and his wife start talking about their church, I’ll try to remember that wasp.
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Geraint Isitt
Maureen Andrade
nilesite
john guzlowski
Rosycheeks
Jacob Sugarman
Salon.com
Comments
As a Christian (and a pastor) I am also disturbed and offended by those who "push" religion on others. I'm glad to discuss the faith with anyone who approaches me, with genuine interest, but, even as a publically identified, occasional clergy-collar-wearing "Reverend," I feel that it's insensitive and unkind to bring my religion into diverse public gatherings which are not explicitly Christian.
I hope Cyril and his wife will be happy as well as holy.
Gerald -I'm not surprised you would have saved the wasp, after reading your snake story. And I bet you would indeed have done it gracefully enough to have saved the wine!
Eva - It's fascinating to get your opinion on this. I was worried that when posting it it might seem like I'm anti-religion. I'm glad it doesn't seem that way to you, and I have to confess, I like you even more knowing your own M.O. for talking about religion.
I like your 'be kind to wasps' religion also
unless they nest under my roof :-)
Rated.
R♥
It is two stone hands cupped around a wasp. I like your illustration even better. :)
May I say...Live Long and Prosper
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............... *•.¸.•* ♥⋆★•❥ Thanx & Smiles (ツ) & ♥ L☼√Ξ ☼ ♥
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Your analogy between saving the wasp and the preacher saving souls was quite interesting -- my weird mind immediately thought about talking down those on bridges about to jump and what if your wasp had been about to end it all, kamikaze-style, in the wine (not that that thought was going anywhere constructive...)?
Best wishes to Cyril and his wife, I hope they are very happy together. I do appreciate your thoughts on patience with the evangelists -- I appreciate those who feel they have 'good news' for my soul, I'm much more bothered by the haters who feel the need to bash on religious beliefs that are not theirs...although I get it. For me, it's the proselytizing more than their beliefs per se. Believe all you want, just don't obnoxiously assume my soul is going to hell and you, only you, can save me...
I don't like how that comment ends, as I do respect devotion to religion, it's the segment of the devoted that take it to proselytizing that I find offensive.
Not all of the devoutly Christian are like that at all, some of my in-laws included.
I have in-laws from the "Big Church on the Edge of Town". They say this strange grace before dinner. Instead of :God" or "Jesus", they say "Thank you Jesus-God for. . . ". Strange.
I tend to keep at least a two foot distance from people who utter "Jesus" and "God" all the time. I don't want to be too near when "Jesus-God-Zeus" sends down that lightning bolt as just reward for violating that little old commandment about "Name in vain".
Oh Noze! I just used it in vain!
Lezlie
and making excuses
(some real, some exaggerated
or downright made-up
when we needed time on our own)
for why we couldn’t"
oh do not worry about cyril. he is the clutches of a decent kinda church, it sounds to me, tho all the jesus talk gets me
1.nervous & withdrawn
or
2. rather in a silly mood, cuz old Jesus was a sillyhead.
I know a chick just like you. she once poured out two gallons of
water to save an ant who had fallen into her paint bucket.
she saves rats from pet stores. cuz they are meant to be eaten
by snakes.
holy work, you girls do, with your concern for the Living.
alot of Religionists tend to find a certain Explanation for Everything
(i envy them!)
and then judge and make what is really
a kinda religious pronouncement on stuff,
you may think, unless you remember they
are stuck back in the 20th century, where religion was important.
or even further back.
good lesson for you. and us.
cut those cyrils loose from yer life, is the lesson i got.
oh too many of them. and yep i care about them...glad to see
you could actually learn
a life lesson from your cyril.
Thanks for sharing,
"in France, your religious beliefs are generally kept private.
(ok with u so far)
There was also the element of the unknown:
(ha well that is what Religion is threre to explain stuff)
"While there’s a lot of religious diversity here,
there isn’t the wide variety of fringe " ...good ....enough Fringe over here in America.
Well-written piece and woven together nicely.
Though I just have to take exception to your summation of it. Maybe its because I despise religious propaganda. It's so corrupt inherently and does so much damage. And it's just plain rude. I've heard it done at funerals...can you imagine? A pro-life lecture at my one friend's funeral. I got up and walked out.
Wine and wasps, I get. People being surprised by it seems weird...a basic human disconnect. But people being miffed by Lord lecturing seems perfectly reasonable. I can't compare one with the other when one seems like the essence of being a living creature and the other seems like flagrant brainwashing attempts.
My take is that those people who looked at you strangely are the scariest of them all. Scarier than the rock star pastor.
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