“I pretend that we are the oldest and dearest friends, as opposed to what we actually are.”
– Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan), “You’ve Got Mail”
Lena Dunham knows me.
We’ve never talked, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t even know I exist, but she knows me. For the past few weeks, I’ve watched her HBO show “Girls” and have seen a sort of alternate version of my life play out. Though we come from very different backgrounds, somehow she’s put my life into words and images in a way I probably never could have or would have.
I have real-life friends, but sometimes you do get lonely, especially when the friends you’ve had the longest, live thousands of miles away, are experiencing adulthood in a completely different culture, and have very different priorities. Lately, when I’ve felt especially lonely, I’ve only had to tune into an episode of “Girls” – or even merely think about things that have happened on the show (like the drawn-in eyebrows Dunham’s character Hannah gets from would-be helpful co-workers in one episode, and the earnest speech she makes to her sort-of boyfriend Adam, with them on all the while) and I'll laugh, understanding and feeling understood (I’ve made some bad eyebrow decisions of my own).
Lena Dunham, as Hannah Horvath, with THOSE EYEBROWS!
Teenage me. Sadly, my eyebrows weren't drawn on...
I feel as if Lena has told me her deepest, most embarrassing secrets, and I’ve told her mine. We’ve confessed to each other how uncertain we are about the future, how confusing our relationships often are, and reassured each other we’re going to be all right. Lena’s taken me into her soft, tattooed arms and given me a hug.
And then there’s John Adams, who would be even harder to meet in real life. When I read David McCullough’s excellent biography of Adams a few years ago, I recognized what Anne Shirley (another friend I’ve never met, and one who would be harder still to hang out with in real life than John Adams) called a “kindred spirit”.
I’ve never spent time with these people, or even spoken with them, or told them my hopes, dreams, fears – but we get each other in some cosmic way.
Among these friends I’ve never met is Nora Ephron. My friendship with Nora is a little different than that with Lena Dunham, though: I don’t know Nora as well, although I’ve seen many of her films and read several of her essays. I sometimes see certain things I can relate to in her work, but what made Nora so special to me, personally, is that she seemed to be one of those solid, wonderful pals who’s always rooting for you, and who knows exactly how to cheer you up.
A few weeks ago, stressed and tired and overwhelmed, I did something I often do when I feel like that: I turned on “You’ve Got Mail,” a movie Ephron co-wrote and directed. This film is a glimpse into a corner of my personal heaven. Divorced and recomposed families get along, relatives accept each other’s flaws with a shrug of the shoulders and a twinkle in their eyes, breakups can be perfectly okay for both partners, a character can reach what seems to be the depth of failure and loss, only to find love and hope. When I watch “You’ve Got Mail,” I see the world as I wish it was, how maybe it could be to some degree, and I feel better.
When I got online this morning, the top news story was that Nora Ephron had died of leukemia, at only 71 years old. My breath caught in my throat. The story from Yahoo News included this quote: “’She was so, so alive,’ said her friend Carrie Fisher. ‘It makes no sense to me that she isn't alive anymore.’"
Carrie, I didn’t know Nora the way you did, but I think you put it perfectly.
I had so many other plans for today, writing-wise and otherwise. But I felt compelled to type this, to put something into the void (to paraphrase a line from “You’ve Got Mail”), some words about this woman whose work brightened my life in many dark moments, who made me hope for love before I found it, who took a dream I had and put it on screen.
It’s strange: In the fourteen years I’ve been watching "You've Got Mail" (some things, like the splendor of a beautiful day in New York, don’t change – others, like computers and email interfaces, do), I’ve always told people that I found the ending to be sort of disappointing. I wanted there to be a way for one character to go on living life as they had before. But the last time I saw it, it finally felt right. Nora’s message got through to me at last. Maybe I’ll be able to let it motivate me to change some things in my own life.
Nora, my never-met friend, thank you for everything. May you rest in peace and happiness, in a place even more wonderful than a spring day in Manhattan.
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And now when I think of her I will remember your fine tribute.
You mention McCullough's book about Adams. He is one of my favorite authors and "The Great Bridge" and "Mornings on Horseback" are two of my all time favorites. Have you tried "The Greater Journey: Americans in Paris"? Not one of his best but an entertaining read and you might relate to it. R
Gerald - As with Muse, I'm so sorry to be the one who had to break the news to you. I hadn't even heard she was ill. As for David McCullough, "The Greater Journey: Americans in Paris" is on my wishlist of books to read. I'm hoping they'll get it at one of the public libraries here (many of the Paris public libraries have an English book section) - or that I'll earn a little cash I can spend on it - I really, really want to read it!
Eric - Thank you very much!
I envied the way Ephron openly recycled classic movies.
You Got Mail = Shop Around the Corner.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Shop_Around_the_Corner
The theme is exactly that. Friends you never met.
And same core idea in Sleepless in Seattle (An Affair to Remember).
That there is possibility in this odd way of knowing someone you have never met is a powerful idea. Maybe a bad one, but one with traction.
And its always the image of Meg Ryan or Tom Hanks (God knows what anyone would see in Billy Crystal).
Since OS half broke down, I don't get notified when I got mail on here.
Ditto what Luminous said: I was shocked when I heard the news this morning. Like you, I had no idea she was ill, and for some reason, I thought she was much younger too. I know what you mean about characters from TV shows as well. When my husband and I were watching "Deadwood" and "The Wire," we formed bonds with some of the characters and missed them when the seasons came to their untimely end. I'm sorry you are going through a lonely time, but you are not alone.
xo, Erica
Love you much Alyssa
and BTW You've got mail!!
HUGGGGGGG
Nick – Not only is “You’ve Got Mail” based on “The Shop Around the Corner” (If only we could fuse Tom Hanks’ charm and sense of humor, with young Jimmy Stewart’s looks – grr….); apparently, the latter isn’t even the original version; the story originally came from a play called “Parfumerie” by a Hungarian playwright, Miklos Laszlo. I really want to read the original version someday, because I think it’s a great story. And yes, I did definitely want to play on that theme – in fact, the quote I used at the beginning of this post is one that always strikes me, every time I watch “You’ve Got Mail”. I think it’s so true of many of the relationships in my life, be it things like what I’ve written about here, or even OSers that I haven’t had the chance to meet in person (though most of us of course do discuss with one another, so it’s not quite as distant a friendship situation as those I have with the people in my post).
Erica – Yes, it’s so hard when a TV series ends and you’ve fallen in love with some of the characters! I felt that way when “Buffy” had its final season (on TV anyway), and so many more shows and movies as well have moved me that way.
Linda – I got that mail and it was even better than one in the movie! : -) Thank you!
jmac – She really was such an incredible talent.
That delightful teenage picture
shows me your soul.
It's like you got a tag on your forehead saying
'I'D RATHER BE READING'...
I must admit that Nora Ephron was not a big influence
in my life. I understand what you're saying about how she
showed life & love as it was meant to be,
but as a kid
living in a seriously disfunctional family
i simply scoffed. Worse, sometimes, I found myself enjoying
the movies , and when they were over, having to return to a
much grimmer version of life.
Horror movies were my cinematic haven...
Bob Dylan is number one on the list of people I will never meet,
as you may have guessed. I've so utterly morphed into
him, however, that i often think it would be
like meeting a 30 yr older me, a bit
smaller & with a silly mustache.
And better hats!!
Dead people? Oh, Lincoln of course.
Blake. that would be a trip, indeed. I would never be
the same after encountering him.
Well, you, too. On my list!
And now bookstores -- even the evil chains -- are melting away. Mail -- was so physical in 1940, email was 'mail like' in 1998 -- and now there is texting and Twitter, &c. The post office is bankrupt.
The persistence of ideas and relentless mutability of the tangible.
Good post, by the way.
The persistence of ideas and the
Lezlie
As for eyebrows, the thick lustrous kind are fashionable here in the states now. Back in the day when my mom tried to get me to go out with the daughter of one of her friends and I didn't sound too enthusiastic, she thought she'd seal the deal by telling me "She's plucked her eyebrows!"