I.
About seven years ago, a guy I was dating took me to A.’s birthday party. From the minute I saw her, vivacious and warm, I knew she had to be my friend. I did what I could to make that happen, and I am so lucky to say we’re very close today.
When I met A., she was in a serious relationship with S. As is the case in many couples, S. seemed to be the complete opposite of his partner: quiet and calm. As I got to know them better, I found out that, like me, S. was an art fan, though he never really talked much about that. Together we went to the amazing Dada exhibit at the Centre Pompidou, and often discussed our other shared passions, hip-hop and American food.
S. and A. were like gifts I brought from my own life into my relationship with my current boyfriend. The four of us saw each other frequently. There are so many photos of us together and with other friends, laughing, hugging, celebrating.
Almost a year ago, A. called and told me that she and S. had broken up. It came as a shock for many reasons. For one, they’d been together so long, and seemingly without any major arguments or issues, that it was difficult to picture them apart. Of course, there were their basic personality differences, and I took that to maybe be the reason: as someone who likes to stay home and relax, myself, I could imagine that being with a person who always wants to go somewhere or invite friends over, could get difficult, and vice-versa.
But as time went on, secrets began to come out. Though A. seems so open – and often is – there are many things she’d kept hidden from us. S., it turned out, wasn’t just a quiet, low-key person. The reason he’d gone to a psychiatric hospital a few years before wasn’t, as we’d assumed, due to something like a nervous breakdown, something that could happen to anyone – but because he was, A. revealed to me one night over a teary dinner, a paranoid schizophrenic.
It seemed that with this admission, things just fell apart. A. told me about a few times where, due to this illness, she or passing strangers could have been seriously hurt. And then, a disastrous and unlikely series of circumstances proved that again on a grand scale.
It was hard to know what to do regarding S. He’d been a friend for many years, and we’d shared so much. Being a victim of mental illness myself, though of a different degree and type (obsessive-compulsive tendencies, IBS, generalized anxiety), I understood that S. didn’t want to harm anyone, that it was just because he was sick. And I knew that with medication and psychiatric care, he could even live a pretty normal life.
Then we got the call from my boyfriend’s parents. They’d both worked at mental health facilities in the past, and they didn’t mince words: “You have to cut this man out of your lives, and A. should, too. Even if he’s on medication now, he may not always be, and he could come after you if he’s having a delusion. You have to keep yourselves out of his mind.”
It sounded so extreme to me, so unbelievable. My boyfriend, on the other hand, was convinced from the moment his parents’ statement had ended. Then, A. herself expressed some of the same thinking. Out of respect for my boyfriend and for the safety of our future family, I had to do the unmerciful thing, and cut all ties. It hasn’t been as hard as it might have; true to form, S. has kept silent and has apparently not wanted to contact any of his old friends and acquaintances.
A., on the other hand, is just as good to the center of her being as I’d always thought: though this man could be highly dangerous, to put it mildly, she watches over him, talks to him when he calls her, and makes sure things are all right. She’s no longer in love with him – that I know for certain. She’s moved on. But this is a man she shared years of her life with, who she planned, despite what she knew, to have a family with one day. And S. himself has no family; orphaned at an early age, his only remaining relative is a sister who is very kind, but too young and just not able to take on the unexpected responsibility of a mentally ill brother. She does visit with him, but it’s A. who deals (often from afar) with all of S's major problems and needs. It’s a burden that her fierce loyalty forces her to bear.
Tonight, A. will take S. to dinner to celebrate his upcoming birthday. She told me about it when I saw her last week. I asked if she would be alone with him, and she said “Yes, but in a public place, so it’s all right.” She sounded weary of always having to plan for things to be this way, of always having to wonder if it was safe. I told her that if my boyfriend agreed, we’d accompany her and S. to dinner. She seemed grateful, but grim: “I can’t ask anyone to do this,” she said, “but thank you. If you can’t, I understand.”
The boyfriend is a kind man, but he’s still afraid, maybe reasonably so. And so, we won’t be going to dinner with A. and S. tonight. I’m letting one of my best friends suffer, yet again, and yet again abandoning another.
II.
The other day, at the grocery store. I’m waiting in the check-out aisle when the person in front of me turns around and says, “Oh no! I forgot the milk! Do you mind if I go get it?”
I give a start and then smile, “Actually, it’s good you said that – I forgot to get milk, too!”
I feel an amicable connection with this woman, as I often do with people in situations like this. We laugh and hurry towards the milk together. She’s probably in her 60’s, with hair dyed a bright orange, but not so recently that the white roots aren’t peeking through. Her lips are full and mauve-colored, she’s wearing a black tee-shirt and black leggings. There are various touches of gold to her ensemble, including her gold lamé loafers.
“Are you from England?” she asks, noticing my accent.
“No, America.”
“America!” Her already-big eyes grow even wider. “New York?”
“Yes,” I nod, deciding as I often do to keep it simple.
She goes one way and I go another.
Suddenly, she runs over to me. “Oh, I forgot the milk was over here,” she laughs.
She takes a breath and starts to ask me my thoughts on the Dominique Strauss-Kahn scandal. For a few minutes, we stand there, chatting. Then, we head back to the check-out counter – having taken far too long. She’s left her groceries on the conveyor belt and now a frustrated line of people has appeared behind them.
She goes to the front of the line, adds the milk to her groceries, and apologizes to the people waiting. Then, she gestures to me. “She’s only got one or two things, and she was here with me. Will you let her pass?”
I shake my head to tell her it’s unnecessary, but I’m grudgingly allowed to pass just the same. I get in line, bemused. This woman is a real character – I love her attitude, and she seems kind and intelligent.
“I lived in Los Angeles for two years, back in the ‘80’s,” she tells me, in a mix of French and broken English. “But now my English is gone.”
“Los Angeles in the ‘80’s! That’s so interesting!” I can’t imagine the stories she must have…. “And it’s too bad about your English - languages are hard to keep up. But you still have some of it, and you can probably get a lot of it back with practice,” I say encouragingly and sincerely.
As we pay for our groceries, she turns to me again. “I’m Mitsou. What’s your name?”
“Alysa,” I say.
“I’d love to have your phone number,” she goes on. “I’d love to talk to you more.”
And there, for me, the pleasant encounter comes to a halt with a sound like a scratched record. I like Mitsou. I think she’d be a fascinating person to talk to. But I think of my life, with work, writing, the boyfriend, the in-laws, his friends, my friends, our friends, travel plans, remodeling plans. I think of Mme., the woman I stayed with here in Paris for three years, whom I consider a sort of great aunt. I can’t remember the last time I’ve talked to her. I think of how I haven’t spoken to my own father in at least a week.
Somehow, I say, “I’d love to talk to you, but I don’t know if I have the time. I live with my boyfriend and we’re always busy – especially with his family,” I tack on.
“Oh, all right, well maybe I’ll see you around.” We both live in the neighborhood. I nod, somewhat hopefully even, and leave.
Walking back to my apartment, I shake my head at what’s just happened. I’m disappointed in myself, in what I really am – an egotist who won’t give a potentially lonely person the time of day. I wonder what Jesus would have done, or a nun, or Linda Seccaspina.
Then again, in a way, I’m proud of how I handled the situation: Under normal circumstances, I would have given her my number and then felt awful as Mitsou’s calls went unanswered – or as I forced myself to get on the phone with her all the time, even if we had nothing to say to each other. No, I think I did the right thing: a polite, half-honest refusal that would nip any further problems in the bud. “Good fences make good neighbors.” And my life really is full enough already. I’ve reached my quota for friends.
I return home to absolute silence. The boyfriend’s busy with a sewing project. Our cat Ali is sleeping on his lap. No phone calls from family or friends await me, no prospects of doing anything for the rest of the day. Often, I greet a moment like this with joy. But just as often, I feel an emptiness in the pit of my stomach.
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Comments
As for the second situation, sometimes the truth is hurtful, but it's better not to lead a person on in such instances. If she's a mature person she should see it the same way. Honestly, I would have given her my number then never answered her calls. Your way is much more mature and respectful.
And I love this new litmus test: "What would Linda Seccaspina do?"
♥R
Oh god don;t even ask
WWLSD?
She would have friended her and then bitched sometimes that she had no time hahahah
You did the right thing.
HUGGGGGGGGGG
Other than that I've always had trouble talking with strangers. And to give out my number? That would never happen, especially after a five minute encounter. So don't feel bad, you did what most people would do.
R
Mental illness is maybe the biggest friendship challenge we can deal with. One one hand, you love your person, and withholding great vast parts of yourself from them is painful for you both. Yet if you don't, they can suck your arms off. Two dear friends are biolar. One stays on his meds, does twelve steps for his addiction, and we have stayed close for many years. The other goes off his meds, drinks at a near end stage alcoholic level, and we sketch together now and then. I listen to his rants, as we co-create some incredible images neither of us could make alone. It stops there, because I cannot offer more, and he accepts that.
You will figure it out. Try the dinner and see how it goes. Wear your walking shoes, in case you have to go.
R
Im sure you'll run into Mitsou again. I have a eccentric neighbour like her, she's a funny lady in small doses.
Take care of your self, you are all you've got! and call your Dad!
:)
rated with love and empathy
As for Mitsou, in the past, I would give her my number and cower as she called, and I let it go to voice mail. I would feel hideous about it. This recently happened to me in the supermarket and I just gave this body language that giving my number just wasn't feasible. It was really weird. The lovely seeming guy wanted me to befriend him and his truly lovely seeming Hungarian wife --who felt lost in L.A. I was so lost myself. I just shrugged in this lame way and continued to conversation. It worked.
Tough tough tough. I feel you, as they say. But, I can't say that you did the right thing so easily- It's very complicated.
I friggin love your blog.
"Press send please friend and send a copy to Linda too".
Mitsou would have gotten the same reaction from me, only probably worse. The last person I encountered while out walking the dog announced during our chat that she was anxious to get to know me better and maybe we could get together for coffee. My inner Lezlie started screaming "No, no, no, no! She's needy, she'll cling, she'll call 'just to talk.'
I said the following: " I should warn you, I don't make a very good "hanging out" friend. I am very introverted and am happiest when I'm alone. I never think to call because I hate talking on the phone, and I never initiate social outings. My real friends know this about me and accept it, but I've found that most people prefer a two-way relationship.
She said, "Okay, I'll respect your privacy." Mission accomplished.
Lezlie
And for Mitsou... yes. You did the right thing.
your dear friend "could have been
seriously hurt.
And then, a disastrous and unlikely
series of circumstances proved that again
on a grand scale...."
(Hm. Doesn't sound good...)
I hope he lives best as he can,
under the (often impossible-to-bear)
encumbrance of serious mental illness...
and the care of A.
"Keep out of his head," yes indeed.
As a person somewhat affected by
psychological "afflictions",
you are,frankly put,
more vulnerable than other people
to his delusional personality.
Myself: I attract odd beautiful wrecked
people, too...like a mental magnetism....
They will eat you alive, Alysa, alas....
As for the 2nd encounter,
with Ms. Lonelyheart,
she will find someone else, worry not...
if she is brazen (brave?) enough to
request your telephone number.
"All the lonely people...where do they
all come from?"...Beatles....
Your first and foremost responsibility
is to your own mental stability...
Though you project a breezy persona,
it is obvious you
suffer from that awful incurable malady
of hypersensitivity....
You do not need to save the world.
It is really a tough one though, when someone needs more than you can offer.
I say you made the right choice, but...
I'd call Mme. and your father and have a nice chat.
Seniority and all. : )
Now I wonder...would we be friends if we lived in the same city. You and I have commented on the number of interests, preferences, circumstances and experiences we have in common but I'm 20 years older than you are. Would I dare? Would you? Cyberspace is so much easier...
You are doing your best (in the first situation; with the friend who has paranoid schizophernia) and your best will be good enough. Just keep being as thoughtful about it as you are now, and seek balance in every decision.
Now I wonder...would we be friends if we lived in the same city. You and I have commented on the number of interests, preferences, circumstances and experiences we have in common but I'm 20 years older than you are. Would I dare? Would you? Cyberspace is so much easier...
You are doing your best (in the first situation; with the friend who has paranoid schizophernia) and your best will be good enough. Just keep being as thoughtful about it as you are now, and seek balance in every decision.
So in my book you did well. Will remember what you and Lezlie said in case I run into any (more) of such cases.
Perhaps Mitsou is exactly what she appeared to be on the surface during a brief encounter. Perhaps you'll have opportunities to meet and talk with her again, and you can test the waters. Or perhaps she'd be a black hole of emotional need who would call 50 times a day.
As another introvert, I know I too am hesitant to invite new people into my life, even if a quick, friendly conversation in public is fine.
rated
BB –Thanks for your insights, especially about S. I hope your former employee and her mother are safe and sound today, and that the whole situation is behind them.
Matt –Thanks – and you make a good point; maybe if I get to see Mitsou more, I can decide if she could be an actual friend to devote time to. And as for the “litmus test”, that thought honestly popped into my head just after turning down a phone relationship with Mitsou. I feel like Linda is one of the kindest people around – even to strangers. I think the world would be a better place if we all asked ourselves from time to time what she would do when dealing with others. Of course, it’s not always easy to be Seccaspina-level nice. Sometimes even downright impossible.
trilogy – Thanks for reading, and as I said to Matt, I just think Linda is so nice and would probably have handled the Mitsou situation differently.
Fusun – Thanks for your kind words and wisdom. I do try not to take things so personally, but I don’t know, I guess I just want people to be happy, and when I can’t do that for them, I feel bad, even if it’s not necessarily up to me exclusively to make them happy. I think you’re right- I need to back up a little and not be so sensitive.
Linda – I meant that completely sincerely – as I wrote to Matt Paust, I honestly thought about what you would do just after refusing to give my number. Wow – I’m glad that the source herself has told me that I did the right thing…even though, as I suspected, you would have given her your number.
scanner – That is a tough trade indeed. I respect you for making what’s probably the right choice. It definitely must not have been easy. I’m glad you have online friends – I often sincerely think they’re – we’re – the best kind.
ocular – No worries – I also hate when someone holds up the check out line for any reason. If it helps my status in your opinion, when we left to get more milk, there wasn’t anyone behind us and the store didn’t seem very crowded…. And thanks for your opinion about my not giving out the number. Maybe it is what the normal reaction would be….
dragonflyy – Haha! I love that neither one of you called!
Brassawe – You are too kind. I don’t think this one was particularly well-written, but it came from the heart and from my neurotic mind. Thank you very much.
greenheron – Thanks for your words of wisdom. Unfortunately, I couldn’t go to the dinner, since I promised my boyfriend I would listen to him and do what he said in this matter. Not because of like a woman/man dominance thing, but because family comes first and I wouldn’t want my family ever to feel I was putting them in danger. I’d expect him to consult me if ever he had a similar issue. But it is hard because S. was our friend and we shared so much together. It’s just an awful situation and I often feel bad about it.
Susie – Wow, well put. I never thought about it that way….
Regina – Thanks for your opinion and support. I feel like your comment was a much-needed rally cry.
Poppi – To hear from someone as sociable as you, that I did the right thing, brings me great relief. And I like your view of the way I could have a relationship with Mitsou. Thanks.
Christine – Thanks, and you know, it’s true that in addition to all the social complications of having a phone friend like that, it did also cross my mind that I barely knew this woman, and though she seemed nice enough, who knows what might really be going on. Thanks for making me feel a little less irrationally paranoid.
RP – Thank you so much for your kindness, understanding, and support. I appreciate it and thank you, too, for the commiseration.
Owl – I don’t know if it’s always been this complicated…and yet….when I dream of a world of order, I often think of Jane Austen’s novels. In those cases, the first situation would have been resolved – probably with great inhumanity – by S. being interned for life in an asylum. The second would probably not have happened, due to strict social conventions – though of course vivacious women like Mitsou have always existed and might have breached the code, at which point myself, if following the Jane Austen protocol, might have asked her to call on me one morning – but the bottom line is, I’d still be obligated whether I liked it or not, and I feel like if we lived in a small English village, it would be hard to lie as I sort of did, regarding my busy schedule, to boot. I think it’s probably always been complicated – just for different reasons and in different ways.
sophieh – Thanks so much for weighing in, and wow – I hope things are resolved for your schizophrenic acquaintance in the way that is best and safest for everyone concerned.
Lea – Thank you for this wise, optimistic, and motivating outlook.
Maurene – Thanks for your insightful comment. I know what you mean about schizophrenics not always taking their meds – that’s what happened to bring S. to another crisis in the first place. And it’s strange to think how paranoia like that works, but you’re probably right on that account, either. It makes me worry even more for A…. I hope her kindness will karmically counteract any kind of harm that may come to her. I pray to her guardian angel to look out for her especially. And for S.’s guardian angel to keep him as healthy and calm and happy as he can be, which I hope will be a lot. Thank you also for your words about Mitsou – I do hope we’ll be able to see each other again and get to know each other better.
fernsy – I love the “weird body language” method of not giving one’s number. When cornered, my instinct is to babble, so I don’t know if it would ever be possible for me to do that, but I sure wish I could one day! As for S., I want to keep ties, in a way, but I also know – even from reading people’s thoughts and insights in these comments – that it could be very dangerous. I’m sort of relieved that I’ve told my boyfriend I’ll respect what he decides on this account – it takes the burden off me…even though feelings of guilt and regret and sadness haven’t disappeared. And I frickin’ love your blog, too – you inspire me with your strength, courage, and sense of humor!
Creekend – I think Linda definitely would have rated with a hug, that much is for sure. But it would be the real life version, this total positive energy that would probably leave the person feeling good all day – and as she confirmed here, she would have given Mitsou her number! I fail….
Lezlie – First, I am so sorry for your friend’s daughter, and I hope that somehow she’ll be able to heal as much as possible and live a better life when she gets out of prison. Thank you for this insight, and I know – the thought is, can people with schizophrenia have friends? They certainly should be able to, but there’s that risk factor. It’s a horrible situation for them. As for your encounter with the person who wanted to be your friend, I LOVE how you handled it. So honest – and I guess the woman thought so, too. I love how she didn’t even try to persuade you otherwise! You rule!
Felicia – Thanks for reading and for your kind words, especially for S. I hope he’ll be able to keep taking his medication and will one day have an at least somewhat normal life, with meaningful, healthy relationships in it.
froggy –Thanks for your insights. I do think that when it comes to problematic friendships of any kind that might disturb or harm our family, we have to consult with them and try to find a balance. Seems like you have – though you say you’re no longer as close to this friend. And that’s the sadness of it, we can’t win on both sides. So sad.
James – Once again your wisdom and insight has helped buoy me up. Thank you very much.
Just Thinking – Thank you for your comment, and especially: “It is really a tough one though, when someone needs more than you can offer.” So, so true. And no worries – I emailed my father yesterday and I will be in touch with Mme. ASAP!
Macco – I’m glad you think I did the right thing. Caution is sadly probably the way to go in both cases here. And you’re right to warn your son about boundaries.
Eva – Thanks so much for your wise and thoughtful comment. I don’t know if we’d be friends in real life – but not because of age. I think it would probably just be about the vibe. That’s usually what makes me decide if I want to be friends with someone in real life. That’s why I knew I wanted A. to be my friend. We do have a lot in common and I think we might make great real life friends, if we were both in the same place – the next time I’m in New York, we’ll have to meet up and see what happens!
Myriad – I think you have a very reasonable outlook, and it’s actually one I try to have, too. Though I then feel so darn guilty about it…. I love how, despite all this, you’re taking notes about new friendship refusals – just like Eva said, it’s so difficult to know how to manage any stage of a friendship, even whether or not to start one….
caroline marie – Thank you so much. I don’t feel likeable at all – writing this, in fact, I thought maybe people would find that I’m not as friendly as they might think. I can be very distant and my time for myself is one of the things I hold most dear.
Shiral – It is very sad about S., sad beyond words. I look at the good things I know about him, what a good person he is, and I think how unfair it is that people can be struck down by sickness – especially one like this, where everything about him is called into question even by his friends and loved ones. As for Mitsou, I cracked up at your deadpan (and potentially very true) “Or perhaps she'd be a black hole of emotional need who would call 50 times a day.” Thanks for your insight, fellow friendly introvert!
Dr. Spudman – I don’t take your comment as an attack at all –in fact, I’m glad you posted it, because it really does show another side of the issue. I know that it’s horrible to generalize about anyone and I feel like a lot of the reason many people do so when it comes to mental illness, is that so much is unknown. I will do as you said and go to this site, and I hope other people who are curious, will do the same. In the meantime, the reason I’ve told myself I have to stay away from S. is that my boyfriend feels he could be a threat. I don’t always do what my boyfriend says – in fact, it’s rare that I follow anyone’s rules for too long – but out of respect for him and our future children, when it comes to potential safety risks, I feel I should listen and make sure he feels safe. I’ll also ask him to have a look at this site, though, since getting a better understanding of what S. is going through, and how we could continue to have a relationship with him, could be a very good thing. Thank you.
Bernadine – Thanks for your input. You do make a good point –it’s not like I didn’t deprive Mitsou of some vital need. On the other hand, companionship can be pretty important, so I don’t know…I still feel a little guilty.
lots and lots of comments here, I'm glad I read down to the doc's statement. I have the privilege of a fascinating project - funded by the American Psychiatry Association -- as well as some local funders in Detroit -- bringing to life a children's exhibit on the "science and stigma" of mental illness, at the Detroit Science Center. In researching the topic-- focusing primarily on depression and bipolar disorder -- I've crashed through a lot of notions I used to hold about mental illness, starting with definitions! And treatments. Here's hoping you can find your way back to your friendship with S . . . as best you can.
As to the random person that you met, I think it was bold of her to ask for your number. I would have had my guard up then too. Sometimes I am a magnet for the unusual personalities and colorful persons and I have learned to be aware and to set the boundaries. Too many years of not doing that wore me out. Really. Best to you!
and why is it always FEMALES and their MILK? @#&^*
:p
at the funeral, many ppl told their stories of knowing ppl with mental illness. its a very widespread thing, but people tend to keep it well hidden. there are many reasons not to talk about it of course, some legitimate, some not legitimate.
yes, I agree the kind of mental illness has a relation to its safety.
if the person has ever been involved in violence I agree that its best to distance yourself. however there are many mostly benign forms of mental illness.... its definitely a spectrum.