Lara Schwartz

Stuff I think

Lara Schwartz

Lara Schwartz
Washington, District of Columbia, USA
December 24
Personal Capacity
Lara Schwartz lives in Washington, DC. She has been a civil rights advocate and political writer for long enough to have two ulcers.

SEPTEMBER 26, 2010 8:50PM

The goal post: dispatch from the six-year-old soccer league

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Six year olds in orange shirts accidentally kick more goals than six year olds in Blue shirts.

Washington:  This morning at the Carter-Barron playing fields in Northwest Washington DC, a group of six-year-olds in orange jerseys scored five more goals than an otherwise-similar group of six-year-olds wearing blue.  Authorities on the scene are as yet unable to determine the cause of this goal disparity.

“As far as I could tell, most of the kids needed their parents to tie their cleat laces for them,” said DC police officer Clifford Fenton.  “I can’t think of any possible circumstance in which you could differentiate them athletically,” he added.

Parent witnesses offered their own insights into the event:  “We’re just so proud of Eva’s offense today. She had four fast breaks.  None of the “boys” could even touch her,” said orange team parent Jonathan Richards.  “Not that it matters.  They all had fun and that other school’s players were good too, in spite of their douchy parents” he added.    There were, however, conflicting accounts.  “You know, we’re here to have fun.  I think it’s sad that those orange kids’ parents put so much focus on their team’s goals, and winning.  That sends a terrible message.” Said blue team parent Susan Mitchell.   “Aidan scored two of the three goals for our team,” she continued.

Such incidents are becoming much more common in Washington, DC in recent years, including an explosion of activity since this year’s World Cup soccer match—during which most liberal denizens of Washington, DC also briefly cared about Ghana. Every Saturday,   parents flock to these fields accompanied by their color-coded children.  Experts have suggested that changing climate patterns may have caused this flocking behavior, which begins with slow milling about, escalates toward juvenile displays of marginal athleticism, and culminates in the flock dispersing to several McDonald’s restaurants across DC’s northwest quadrant.

DC Department of Health Director Dr. Pierre Vigilance reassured local residents that this ritual poses no public health risks.  “While existentially puzzling, youth soccer appears to inflict no lasting damage on our city’s children,” he said.  “We have witnessed an unusually high rate of narcissistic disorder among the parents, but we’re pretty sure that they were like that when they showed up,” he added.

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comedy, family, sports

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Awesome. I can't say I am shocked by this press release or the douchy parents, but I'm still glad I read it.