accidental dad

accidental dad
Location
Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey,
Birthday
April 13
Bio
Author of Diary of an Accidental Dad "Diary of an Accidental Dad is Erma Bombeck if she liked a good spanking and drank a bit too much. These stories hit so close to home that they have to be true, but they are written in a witty, articulate, self-deprecating style that will make milk squirt from your nose~even if you don’t drink milk. Dad's struggles to find a place in childhood society for a hyper-kinetic but brilliant son are both hysterical and endearing. The fine line between being over-indulgent, protective, free-wheeling, and disciplinarian are crossed, stomped on and drawn again over and over, with the inner dialogue all parents have with themselves~please don't let me screw up my kids." www.anaccidentaldad.com

MY RECENT POSTS

JULY 4, 2012 2:10PM

My Son Lost His Kitten Today

My son lost his kitten today and it broke his heart. He called me at work bawling his eyes out as my wife and the kids walked up and down the street calling the kittens name. But the kitten never answered. 

The kitten would sit by the sliding door that goes/… Read full post »
JUNE 28, 2012 10:18AM

My Wife's Veggie Breaded Chicken

My son has recently discovered that broccoli and cauliflower cause massive amonts of gas which turns out be great for rapid fire farting.


My wife uses ground up broccoli and cauliflower to bread her chicken breast in order to trick my son into eating more veggies. For a good while… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JUNE 25, 2012 8:00AM

Riding His Bike To The Beach Dressed Like an Ewok

My son rode his bike to the beach today dressed in a furry Ewok costume. Because I’m naturally furry, my son couldn’t resist saying, “hey dad, you can be a Wookie, since you have more hair than Chewbacca”. It was a weird thing to hear, coming from an Ewok riding his… Read full post »
JUNE 23, 2012 12:13AM

A Box of Tampons

I just bought a multipack box of tampons for my wife who is down to the last bullet in her chamber. I ran to my car as the lightening ripped holes in the sky, and the rain soaked me through to my skivvies, but the white sheets and bedding will thank me… Read full post »
JUNE 22, 2012 5:01PM

Squeezing My Son With Love

My son and I have this secret language we use to speak to each other.  He'll squeeze my hand three times and I'll squeeze his hand four times in response.  This is our way of communicating when we don't feel like talking.   Its the only thing he hears when he's… Read full post »

JUNE 22, 2012 4:57PM

"Stay Calm" I Tell Myself

"Stay Calm" I tell myself as the levels of frustration rise above the levees and threaten to burst through the dam. "Stay Calm I write on my hand to remind myself not to fight against the current and just go with the flow. 

But there are days when the levels of/… Read full post »

JUNE 22, 2012 4:56PM

Princess Potty and The Prunes

When I got home last night my daughter was sitting on her princess potty toilet training bowl covered in sweat. My wife was holding her up and cradling her head. She leaned forward just enough where I could see a gigantic log of shit partially poking its head from her ass.  The… Read full post »

 

I threw a cup of coffee in my sons face last night. Now before you completely kill me, let me just say that the coffee was cold and I’ve already killed myself over and over again all night.

As I watched the coffee fly from the mouth of the mug/… Read full post »

Diary of an Accidental Dad is now available at Amazon.com

"Diary of an Accidental Dad is Erma Bombeck if she liked a good spanking and drank a bit too much. These stories hit so close to home that they have to be true, but they are written
Read full post »
JUNE 17, 2012 12:02AM

Kissing Ass

 

My daughter makes me kiss all her boo boos. There must be some magical healing power to my lips because her tears immediately disappear and turn to giggles. Usually its only the  bumps on her head or the scratches on her knee or the stubbed toes that are in need… Read full post »

JUNE 16, 2012 10:31PM

You Only Think You Know Everything

"Listen," I tell my son when he acts like he knows everything, "mom and I know nothing about raising kids, so you can imagine how little you know."

Father's Day Is Just Another Day

 

Every year Father's Day becomes more and more like any other day.  Last Fathers Day my son bought me a gift he wanted for himself, it was a pair of Nerf dart guns that he quickly shot me in both eyes with. 

 

Read full post »

JUNE 15, 2012 12:24AM

Our Love Keeps Us From Killing

Well folks its official.  My wife and I are getting divorced...

 

.......again.  Its the third time this week, and 15th time this year.  I wonder how long it will stick this time.

 

We each threw down our gauntlet, put up our dukes, and drew pistols at twenty paces.

 Read full post »

JUNE 14, 2012 3:00PM

My Dad Says You're An Asshole!

“My dad says you’re an Asshole!!” Yup, I said it, but I didn’t think anyone was listening, or that anyone would repeat it. But that’s what happened the day of my son’s kindergarten graduation.

There was a kid in school that my son desperately wanted to be friends w… Read full post »

JUNE 13, 2012 6:15PM

No Ugly Pets Allowed

Photobucket

My son wants a little kitten to go along with the spiders and fish and hermit crab and hamster that we as a family have systematically killed one by one.  And that’s not including the scores of house plants that have withered and died under the care of our collective/… Read full post »

JUNE 11, 2012 10:31PM

Imaginary Friends

My son has always had imaginary friends.  They’ve kept him company when there were no real friends to be had.  They’ve come in all shapes and sizes.  But mostly anything small has always been his friend; a piece of left over toast that no one wanted, or the smallest cloud i… Read full post »

JUNE 11, 2012 10:29PM

Flicking Boogers

My son and I were driving to a birthday party and I could see him in the rear view mirror, elbow deep in his left nostril.  He was really digging around in there, mining for some elusive treasure.   My son was like one of those arcade games, and his finger… Read full post »

JUNE 11, 2012 10:22PM

Eating God

My son's friend came over today and asked him if he was getting communion.  My son asked "What's communion?"   She was surprised he didn't know,  "are you Catholic?" she asked.   "What the hell is catholic, my son asked, mystified by this foreign language."   "I guess you're… Read full post »

JUNE 11, 2012 10:20PM

The Neighbor's Dog Shit

The neighbor, some slacker dude, lets his dog shit on my yard. I see him walking this giant beast up and down the block, and then stop on the thin strip of land between the sidewalk and the curb. The turd the two of them leave behind is enormous. Its like… Read full post »

JUNE 10, 2012 12:14AM

Father's Day is Just Another Day

This is a piece that  will be appearing in newspapers around the  country  this week: 

 

Every year Father's Day becomes more and more like any other day. Last Fathers Day my son bought me a gift he wanted for himself, it was a pair of Nerf dart guns that he… Read full post »

JUNE 8, 2012 1:48PM

My Dad Says You're An Asshole!

“My dad says you’re an asshole!†Yup, I did say that, but I didn’t think anyone was listening. I certainly didn’t think anyone would repeat it. But that’s what happened the day of my son’s kindergarten graduation.

First off let me just say something about kindergarten graduations. I kno… Read full post »

MAY 27, 2012 9:58AM

Plunging Toilets

I spend so much time reaming and plunging toilets of the gigantic shits my son takes. Or maybe his shits aren't so huge as to clog up the pipe, but its the amount of paper he uses to wipe his ass that would make a forest cry, that is giving theRead full post »

MAY 27, 2012 9:51AM

Someone Else's Shorts


My son just called me on the phone and said Dad you totally embarrassed me in school today. I asked him how I did that and he told me I put my shorts in his nap sack. At first I thought he meant a pair of my underwear.

My son’s school
Read full post »
MAY 27, 2012 9:49AM

The Deafening Sound of Silence

There's not many more worrisome sounds that a child can make while playing than silence. Its not the quiet child that causes concern but the one who makes no sound at all. That deafening silence can only mean one thing...the shit's about to hit the fa
MAY 27, 2012 9:48AM

The Icing On The Cake

Last week I heard the familiar sound of my son climbing up on the counter and opening up the cabinets where we keep snacks. Now we’re pretty good about eating healthy organic snacks but we always have a tiny reserve of some treats that are a little less healthy than the… Read full post »