My son has recently discovered that broccoli and cauliflower cause massive amonts of gas which turns out be great for rapid fire farting.

My wife uses ground up broccoli and cauliflower to bread her chicken breast in order to trick my son into eating more veggies. For a good while… Read full post »

My son and I have this secret language we use to speak to each other.  He'll squeeze my hand three times and I'll squeeze his hand four times in response.  This is our way of communicating when we don't feel like talking.   Its the only thing he hears when he's… Read full post »

"Stay Calm" I tell myself as the levels of frustration rise above the levees and threaten to burst through the dam. "Stay Calm I write on my hand to remind myself not to fight against the current and just go with the flow. 

But there are days when the levels of/… Read full post »

When I got home last night my daughter was sitting on her princess potty toilet training bowl covered in sweat. My wife was holding her up and cradling her head. She leaned forward just enough where I could see a gigantic log of shit partially poking its head from her ass.  The… Read full post »

I threw a cup of coffee in my sons face last night. Now before you completely kill me, let me just say that the coffee was cold and I’ve already killed myself over and over again all night.

As I watched the coffee fly from the mouth of the mug/… Read full post »

Diary of an Accidental Dad is now available at Amazon.com

My daughter makes me kiss all her boo boos. There must be some magical healing power to my lips because her tears immediately disappear and turn to giggles. Usually its only the  bumps on her head or the scratches on her knee or the stubbed toes that are in need… Read full post »

Father's Day Is Just Another Day

Every year Father's Day becomes more and more like any other day.  Last Fathers Day my son bought me a gift he wanted for himself, it was a pair of Nerf dart guns that he quickly shot me in both eyes with. 

… Read full post »

Well folks its official.  My wife and I are getting divorced...

.......again.  Its the third time this week, and 15th time this year.  I wonder how long it will stick this time.

We each threw down our gauntlet, put up our dukes, and drew pistols at twenty paces.

 … Read full post »

“My dad says you’re an Asshole!!” Yup, I said it, but I didn’t think anyone was listening, or that anyone would repeat it. But that’s what happened the day of my son’s kindergarten graduation.

There was a kid in school that my son desperately wanted to be friends w… Read full post »

My son wants a little kitten to go along with the spiders and fish and hermit crab and hamster that we as a family have systematically killed one by one.  And that’s not including the scores of house plants that have withered and died under the care of our collective/… Read full post »

My son has always had imaginary friends.  They’ve kept him company when there were no real friends to be had.  They’ve come in all shapes and sizes.  But mostly anything small has always been his friend; a piece of left over toast that no one wanted, or the smallest cloud i… Read full post »

My son and I were driving to a birthday party and I could see him in the rear view mirror, elbow deep in his left nostril.  He was really digging around in there, mining for some elusive treasure.   My son was like one of those arcade games, and his finger… Read full post »

My son's friend came over today and asked him if he was getting communion.  My son asked "What's communion?"   She was surprised he didn't know,  "are you Catholic?" she asked.   "What the hell is catholic, my son asked, mystified by this foreign language."   "I guess you're… Read full post »

The neighbor, some slacker dude, lets his dog shit on my yard. I see him walking this giant beast up and down the block, and then stop on the thin strip of land between the sidewalk and the curb. The turd the two of them leave behind is enormous. Its like… Read full post »

This is a piece that  will be appearing in newspapers around the  country  this week: 

Every year Father's Day becomes more and more like any other day. Last Fathers Day my son bought me a gift he wanted for himself, it was a pair of Nerf dart guns that he… Read full post »

“My dad says you’re an asshole!†Yup, I did say that, but I didn’t think anyone was listening. I certainly didn’t think anyone would repeat it. But that’s what happened the day of my son’s kindergarten graduation.

First off let me just say something about kindergarten graduations. I kno… Read full post »

I spend so much time reaming and plunging toilets of the gigantic shits my son takes. Or maybe his shits aren't so huge as to clog up the pipe, but its the amount of paper he uses to wipe his ass that would make a forest cry, that is giving the… Read full post »