A few days ago Nikki Stern had an amusing post about gratuitous noise.  This paragraph caught my eye:

“What if we could mute the know-it-all at the party who’s mouthing off about Europe’s economic mess? How about the idiot on the train talking loudly into her cell phone?  Could we be kept from the mindless chatter of teens at the mall or the non-stop yammering of the talking heads on the inevitable cable channel playing where you get your car serviced?  What about the couple who fights in public? Or makes love loudly enough so they might as well be copulating publicly?”

          It reminded me of the “List song” in Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Mikado.  It’s sung by Ko-Ko who has just been appointed Lord High Executioner.  While he’s reluctant to carry out his duties, he has a list of likely suspects just in case.  You’ve probably heard it before but here’s a reminder; lyrics below:

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list — I've got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!
There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs 
All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs 
All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat 
All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that 
And all third persons who on spoiling tête-á-têtes insist 
They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

(Chorus:)
He's got 'em on the list — he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed.

(Ko-Ko:)
There's the banjo serenader, and the others of his race,
And the piano-organist — I've got him on the list!
And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face,
They never would be missed — they never would be missed!
Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone,
All centuries but this, and every country but his own;
And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy,
And who "doesn't think she dances, but would rather like to try";
And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist 
I don't think she'd be missed — I'm sure she'd not he missed!

(Chorus:)
He's got her on the list — he's got her on the list;
And I don't think she'll be missed — I'm sure she'll not be missed!

(Ko-Ko:)
And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife,
The Judicial humorist — I've got him on the list!
All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life 
They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed.
And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind,
Such as — What d'ye call him — Thing'em-bob, and likewise — Never-mind,
And 'St— 'st— 'st— and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who —
The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you.
But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

(Chorus:)
You may put 'em on the list — you may put 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed!

          In the spirit of Nikki’s list, I converted it to:

In the modern urban centers where the thoughtless just abound,
You’ve got a little list — you’ve  got a little list
Of society offenders best denied of all their sound,
And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!
There’s the Euro-crisis know-it-all who casts a deadly spell —
Or the Amtrak gal vociferating loudly on her cell  
All adolescents caterwauling daily at the mall  
All cable channel talking heads annoying one and all
And copulating couples who on decibels insist  
They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

          I subsequently realized that it wasn’t only the noisy that should be on that list.  How about the following?

In this presidential campaign lurching ever closer to your town,
I’ve got a little list — I’ve  got a little list
Of candidates Republican best quickly voted down,
And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!
There’s the million buck historian who’s heading to the moon
Departure by late Feb-ru-ary wouldn’t be too soon  
And that frothy mix opposing gays and condoms and the pill  
Plus the one-percenter barely scraping by on forty mill
And that goldbug libertarian and isolationist  
I don’t think he’d be missed, I’m sure he’d not be missed

I’ve got them on the list — I’ve got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed.

          It’s easy enough.  Anyone else care for a go?